You'll Get Loki'd For Christmas!
by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey
Summary: Loki is sent to Midgard for the month, and the Avengers find that they'll have to keep him out of mischief over Christmas. No one is happy with this arrangement.
1. Introduction

**You'll Get Loki'd for Christmas**

by Loki Laufeyson

 _Publisher's Note: This story is set after the events of Thor: The Dark World, Avengers: Age of Ultron, and Ant-Man. It may (probably does) have spoilers for all Marvel movies released so far. This is definitely AU, because (spoilers) I put Bucky and Pietro in it, but how could I not? XD If you don't know the song_ I'm Getting Nuttin' For Christmas _you might want to listen to it once. In my family it has always been a tradition to listen to the CD with this song on it every Christmas. :)_

 _I am not responsible for any insulting things Loki says in this story or in his Author's Notes. I am merely the humble publisher._

 _~Lily_

 **Introduction**

 _Disclaimer: I am totally responsible for anything bad that happens to you because of this story. I also totally own everything to do with this story- or I soon will. I'm planning to start the new year right by taking over your world. :)_

Hello my minions, and welcome to my wonderful Christmas story! I'll tell you, it is going to be a lot of work. A LOT of work. Because it is forever long. I have to write an entry every day. And I'll have to work really hard to get the song to work just right and all. But it will be so much fun to write that it will be totally worth it, even if you peasants don't review and tell me how much you like it!

(Side note: Review. That is a command from your soon-to-be ruler of Midgard.)

How this is going to work: Each day from now until December 25th, my minion Lily has agreed to publish a chapter themed with a line from the song _I'm Gettin' Nuttin' For Christmas._ She'll be trying to update consistently at a certain time each day, so it's easier for everyone, but times may (will) vary.

I really hope you like the story and it lives up to all your expectations! :D Because if it doesn't you may find yourself deceased very fast. }:D I'll see you tomorrow.

Enjoi!

That's an order!

~Loki Laufeyson


	2. Prologue

**Prologue**

 _Author's Note: Today was horrible. A perfect way to start the month. *eyeroll* It's not fair that Odin always gets mad at me instead of Thor. I'm blamed for everything! Seriously?_

 _I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas  
_ _Odin and Frigga are mad  
_ _I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas  
_ _'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad._

* * *

It wasn't as if Thor hadn't been bad, too, you know. He'd been traitorous, sneaky, and sly. He had committed treason against Odin the Allfather. All I had done was fake being Odin for a day and send Thor to Midgard. I mean, really. I had even played mind tricks on Thor to bring him back when dad told me to. What more could he ask for?!

Seriously. Parents are sooo demanding.

"Loki," said dad, who at the moment looked extremely infuriated, "How many times have I told you not to try to escape?"

I rolled my eyes dramatically. "Daaaad!"

"For the crimes that you have committed against Asgard (in faking myself)," he went on, "and for the crimes you've committed against Midgard (in sending your brother down there), you must pay the price."

"If you put me back in that cell, I'll just get right back out," I sassed.

"That's why I'm not putting you back in the cell," Odin gloated. "I'm sending you to Midgard for the month."

I fear that in my astonishment my mouth hung open in a most undignified manner.

"You can't mean that," I said weakly.

"Oh yes I can. Frigga and I have talked it over. It's time that someone beside us should have to watch over you." Odin smiled evilly. "The Avengers will be making sure you don't do anything too bad while on this little- ah- vacation."

Before he had finished speaking, guards came up behind me and started putting handcuffs on my wrists.

"You can't do this!" I protested. "I'll... I'll sue you!"

"Take him away."

Thor grabbed my shoulder none too gently. "I swear to keep him in check, father."

Before I knew what was happening, the bifrost was beaming me down to earth, and Heimdall's face was slowly fading from view.

I landed square in the yard of the Avengers complex, leaving a large mark on the manicured lawn. The Man of Iron wouldn't be too happy about that. I smirked. I suddenly had an evil plan.

If I had to stay with the Avengers, I'd make their lives as miserable as possible.

"Maybe staying here won't be so bad after all," I thought mischievously.

* * *

 _Publisher's Note: In reply to my reviewers. Thank you so very much! :D_

 _the avengette- I hope you like it! :)  
Maniac at Midnight- I... hope you liked the first chapter? :D *nervous laughter* I like your username by the way. And thanks! I hope you have a Merry Christmas, too! _

_LadyOfAnfalas- Hi! Nice to see you again! :D I hope you like it still. XD_

 _Russian Assassin- Can I just say that you are really cool? I had a lot of fun reading your hilarious review. If you ever decide to get an account on here, I hope you keep that name. :P Thanks for reviewing, and I hope the story just gets better!_

 _Thank you also to followers: PythonAnon, enna.21, and Lady Of Anfalas.  
And to amazing favourite-ers: enna.21 and TMNTGirl! You guys are awesome, I hope that my story lives up to your expectations! _

_A/N: Farewell, peasants._


	3. I Broke My Spear on Barton's Head

**I Broke My Spear on Barton's Head**

 _Author's Note: My stupid publisher is so demanding! I was really busy pranking someone when she burst into the room with a laptop in her hands and a pencil behind her ear and thumped down in front of me with a stern look on her face. "Loki," she said, "I know you're busy trying to take over the earth and all, but I really need you to write the events of the past day for our faithful readers!" I had to grudgingly admit that she was obnoxiously right. I hate it when that happens. I mean, when other people are right._

 _Publisher's Note: Please excuse the language in this chapter. I'm sure that Cap didn't_ actually _say anything bad. Loki is just being ornery. I bleeped them out, hopefully that helps.  
_

* * *

"WHAT THE H***!"

Someone inside the Avengers complex did not sound too happy.

"WHO THE H*** LET HIM IN AMERICA?"

Out the door stormed two very angry individuals.

"What are you doing here?" yelled Stark, putting on his suit as he stomped forward.

"You're supposed to be dead!" said Rogers, reaching over his shoulder for his shield.

"Odin made me come," I said nonchalantly.

"Explain yourself, Thor!"

"It is true," Thor said. "The All-father has decided that Loki should stay in Midgard for one earthen month."

"I can't take this right now!" groaned Stark. "Not on top of the internet fast!"

"Thor, you know we can't handle Loki," said Rogers. "He'll rip this complex apart!"

"We have no choice," said Thor. "Odin has commanded it."

"He's not my boss!" said Stark.

"He kinda is," I commented helpfully. "I mean, technically, any minute he could invade your planet, sooo..."

"Not helping, Loki," said Thor, and brought down his hammer on my head.

Talk about abusive relationships.

"Tony!" yelled a voice from inside.

Stark winced. "Coming!" Then he turned to Rogers. "We need to build another cage-"

"That won't be necessary," said Thor. "I have sworn to protect Midgard from my brother. I shall keep him from causing any trouble."

I kicked him and stubbed my toe.

"Tony!" Potts yelled again. "We're starting the movie!"

The Man of Iron looked annoyed. "I saw that movie last year!" he yelled back.

"But tradition!" said Rogers.

"Oh, so now you're on her side," said Tony, scowling.

"Tony, come in this minute," said Pepper, stomping onto the lawn, but she stopped with a shriek when she saw my handsome form gracing it. "Why is he here?"

I don't like how people talk about me as if I'm an unwelcome slug.

"We have to babysit him for the month," said Stark in a bored voice. Then he gasped. "He'll be here for Christmas!"

And then there was the inevitable general exclamation of "noooo!"

* * *

Why is it that whenever it miraculously happens that I enjoy something, everyone gangs up on me and does anything to make me stop enjoying it? It's discrimination, I say. Pure, unadulterated discrimination.

Like, for instance, the time I have been telling about. When I was enjoying the motion picture the Avengers were watching so very much, and then Barton, my former minion, declared that he liked a different one better.

"The older version is so much better than this," he said loudly, hogging the pizza box.

"What, the creepy animated atrocity that you insisted on watching last year?" said Romanoff. "Are you serious!?"

"It's a classic!" said Clint. "I've watched it every year since I was a baby!"

Romanoff looked like she was struggling with deciding whether to insult him by saying that that wasn't a lot of times, or insult him by saying that it _was_.

"I can't hear the film, you morons!" I said delicately. I was instantly assailed by a tirade of sofa cushions coming from all directions.

"Keep your demigod mouth shut," said Tony.

"I shall not!" I said, insulted. Of course I was ignored.

The film that we were watching was titled _How The Grinch Stole Christmas_ , and I identified so completely with the main character that I could not see how mere mortals could have created something so magnificent. But I was distracted by the urgent need to do something mischievious. Already I'd been at the Avengers compound for thirty minutes, and I still hadn't done anything untoward. Inconcievable!

I glanced around me. About the room sprawled several of the accursed Avengers in varying degrees of recumbrance. All were glued in varying degrees of adhesiveness to the screen, whereon the film. Something must be done to rouse these simpletons from their silly apathy.

And so I banged Barton on the head with my sceptre.

It caused more of a stir that perhaps you would expect. 1) because I hit him rather hard, and 2) because no one apparently knew that I had my sceptre with me.

"THOR!" yelled Tony. I gained a pleasant amount of satisfaction in the fact that Thor was being yelled at. "Why does Loki have his spear of destiny?"

"It's not a spear!" I said, insulted. Again. I feel insulted a lot.

"I do not know," said Thor, reaching for his hammer, which knocked over about thirty glasses and bottles on its way to his grasp. "Loki, put down the spear!"

"Sceptre," I corrected sniffily. "What's all the fuss-" but I stopped short when I glanced down at my beautiful sceptre. The end was bent at a thirty-degree angle!

I turned to Clint in a rage. "Just exactly how hard is your stupid skull, peasant?!" I roared, holding up my poor, battered sceptre. "Look what it did to my most trusty weapon!"

"You did that yourself!" shouted Clint indignantly, putting a hand to his presumably achy head.

"My poor sceptre!" I said, straining to bend it back. "It wasn't enough to steal the nice little infinity stone out of it; ooooh noooo. You had to go and bend it, too! Some people just want to watch the world burn!"

"HA, you have room to talk!" Tony scoffed.

"You poor thing," said Natasha to Clint. "Let me get some bandages."

"I'm fine," said Clint mopily. "But I swear, Loki, if you keep pulling pranks like that,

I won't get you a single present for Christmas!"

* * *

 _Publisher's Note: I have decided to let Loki answer reviews this time. I hope I don't regret it... o.O_

 _Author's Note: It seems that I am already amassing my own cyber army! Ehehehe. This is good. Very good. But on to the responses._

 _the avengette- Of course we responded to your review. What do you take us for? Puny chitauri or- P/N: *pushes Loki aside* What he means to say, my dear, is that we really appreciate your review and guest reviewers are just as special as other reviewers! Thus we try to respond to all- A/N: *pushes Lily aside* OUT OF MY WAY MORTAL! As. I. Was saying. We thank you for your thought and kindness, and Lily is poking me and saying that I should tell you that I hope you like the story more and more as it goes along. :)  
Elessar's Daughter- At last! Someone who recognizes me for what I truly am! KNEEL BEFORE ME! P/N: I swear he's like this to everyone! Just ignore him! A/N: Shut up, puny peasant. I have a fan group now. P/N: That's... truer than you know *hides laptop behind her*  
Maniac at Midnight- We thank thee! Thor: DID SOMEONE SAY CAKES? A/N: HIDE THEM!... Ahem. I am so glad you like the story! Aren't I the best writer ever? ^-^  
LadyOfAnfalas- Thanks! I could use a little luck. It seems there is a limit to good pranks to play. D:_

 _And another thank-you to a new followers: TimeyWimeyINTJ and DeVilDahling-_

 _-and favourite-er: DeVilDahling. Awesome name, by the way! Lily just forced me to watch that film and I think I have found my soulmate in Cruella *heart eyes* P/N: Um, yeah... we still need to go over what "fiction" is..._


	4. Somebody Snitched on Me

**Somebody Snitched on Me**

 _Author's Note: Greetings, peasants. You can probably think of that one person in your life who drives you up the wall. Who always tries to ruin your day, and usually succeeds.  
_ _I have a dozen of them.  
_ _And at the moment, I am sharing a living space with all of them.  
_ _I hate my life._

* * *

"Pepper," Tony whimpered.

I'm serious. There is no other way to describe the sound he made. Definitely a whimper.

He was trailing after the Potts woman with a dejected look, gazing longingly at the device she held in her hand.

"Can't I have it for just one second?" he begged.

"No," said Pepper, without sparing him a glance.

"This is worse than the diet you made me go on last year*!" Tony wailed. "I can't survive without wifi for an entire month!"

"Sure you can," said Pepper carelessly. "It'll be good for you. And I know what you're thinking; you'll go use your secret little spare iPhone. But Jarvis told me about that, and I made him cut off all your internet access until I command him to re-allow it."

"Traitor," Tony hissed in the general direction of a speaker in the ceiling.

"What are these Eye phones you speak of?" I asked curiously. "Are they like computers, but in a contact lens?"

"I'm surprised you even know what a computer is," Tony said witheringly.

"Well, I do," I sniffed. "Thor, beat up this puny mortal for me."

"WHO ATE MA POPTARTS?" was I all I got in response.

"Poptarts?" Tony perked up, and drifted towards the kitchen.

I had no interest in such mortal sustenance, so I wandered into the living room, where the twins and the Vision were putting together a Christmas puzzle.

"That piece goes-" the Vision began, but Wanda cut him off.

"Stop helping!" she said. "That's cheating!"

"I'm sorry," said Vision, "I am merely trying to use my superior intellect to our advantage."

"Completing the puzzle isn't why you _do_ a puzzle," said Pietro, fitting a piece into the partially finished picture. "There! We finally have the border done!"

"I'm taking a break," said Wanda, stretching. "Hot chocolate, anyone?"

"Me," I said eagerly.

"Okay," said Wanda, batting her eyelashes at me.

"If you dare break her heart," said Pietro, after she went into the kitchen, "I will boil you in acid and then ditch you in a dumpster. She only likes you because you both do the creepy mind control thing. She thinks it's hot." He gave me a menacing look before following Wanda out of the room.

"Hot?" I said, confused.

"Urban Dictionary should help you," said Stark, flopping down on the sofa.

And scattering puzzle pieces everywhere.

"They won't be too happy with you for that," I said smirkily. "They worked on it all morning."

"Has anyone seen Kermit?" asked Clint, coming in and taking off his coat. "I've been searching for him all day!"

"Kermit?" I repeated.

"Clint found a frog the other day and decided to keep it," said Natasha without looking up from her magazine. "Don't ask me why."

At that moment, Wanda returned with two steaming mugs of cocoa. She saw the puzzle and came to an abrupt halt.

"Loki did it," said Tony quickly, pointing at me.

"WHAT?" said Wanda, angrily banging the mugs down. "Loki, how dare you!? I bet you did it on purpose!"

I tell you, I am literally blamed for everything!

Pietro ran in. "Look, you've already broken her heart!" he yelled.

"I'm not getting you a single thing for Christmas!"

* * *

*Please read _How to Live with a Demigod 101_ by Insanity's Servant for more information. Seriously, go read it. I highly, highly recommend it. It is amazingly awesome, and the best Marvel Universe fic I have read.

* * *

 _Publisher's Note: In response to my reviewers:_

 _Maniac at Midnight- That's wonderful! Er... I'm not sure that I'll let Loki use them, depending on how dangerous they are... But thank you so much! *nudges Loki* Say thank you. A/N: *grudgingly* Thanks, I guess... P/N: He's being sincere or he wouldn't even deign to talk. He's so bad at social interactions! And tell Nikki that he/she is very sweet! Thanks, Nikki! :)  
DeVilDahling- Oooh, I really want to watch Once Upon a Time! I haven't been able to, yet. A/N: LILY LET ME WATCH THIS; IT SOUNDS WONDERFUL! P/N: Calm down, Loki. I want to watch it as much as you do! Thanks, DeVil, for reviewing! :D  
TMNTGirl- I am with you on this! Bad Loki! Clint is awesome and SO UNDERRATED. Loki deserves what happened to him in this chapter! Uh-oh... *runs for my life* A/N: HOW DARE YOU! P/N: *evades Loki* *stops running* *straightens tie* As I was saying. Clint definitely deserves more love than he gets. I will rant with you. Naughty Loki! XD He has gone too far! Thanks for reviewing, btw! :)  
PythonAnon- Yes, I don't think Loki likes it being called that. He has a thing against Stark's nicknames... #ReindeerGames *runs from Loki again*  
the avengette- YOU ARE SO COOL. I wish I lived in your house... now I want to do that to my siblings! lol That's awesome. ^-^ Loki is so Grinch-y. XD  
Guest- Um... *whispers conspiratorially* Loki shouldn't know this, because he has meltdowns when told he's a fictional character, but yes, I have already written the whole thing- well, most of it. There's a chapter or two that I haven't completed yet. Aw man, I wish the Avengers tower actually did exist! I would fly to NY without a second thought.  
LadyofAnfalas- A/N: Thank you! It was a terrible day; but I like writing this because it gives me a place to vent my frustration. Let us just hope that the rest of my Avenging friends don't ever find this site. P/N: Thanks! Oh my goodness, now I want to go back and re-read that one. XD I forget what I write myself pretty quick. Man, I miss Lindir, though. I should update that story. Thank you so much! :D  
TimeyWimeyINTJ- Thank you! :D It's a lot of fun.  
Elessar's Daughter- A/N: Oh, don't go and die on me! I need you to help me grow my ever increasing army! P/N: Thanks, Elessar's Daughter! I'm glad it made you laugh. Killing people with laughter is definitely my goal in this. }:D A/N: Now you're starting to sound like me, Lily... _

_And thanks to the followers: halfcatvampire and I Am Legend Not Myth, and favourite-er: I Am Legend Not Myth. One of the coolest names I have ever seen. XD Thanks, Legend and halfcat!_


	5. I Hid a Frog in Wanda's Bed

**I Put a Frog in Wanda's Bed**

 _Author's Note: So really, admit it. This is excusable. After all, she falsely accused me yesterday of doing the unspeakable- destroying all her hard work on that puzzle. How could she? A little revenge was in order, surely. But no one would forgive even the most innocent act of revenge._

* * *

"Okay everybody," said Pepper, clapping her hands together, "it's time to decorate the Avengers complex for Christmas!"

"Are you serious?" said Tony. "It's already enough of a mess in here!"

Pepper ignored him. "Steve, you bring the Christmas boxes down from the attic. Clint, you make sure all the lights work. Nat, check the china and make sure none of it is broken. Everyone else, we're cleaning house!"

You may have noticed that I always get stuck with the worst things happening to me.

That's why I had to clean the bathrooms.

I will not dwell on that part of my day. Needless to say, it was truly traumatizing.

"Can you hang up this garland, Sam?" said Nat, pulling yards of fake greenery from a red box.

"Where does this nutcracker go?" asked Pietro, tripping over a stuffed santa.

"Can I set up this nativity set here?" asked Rhodie.

"This festive day, Christmas," said Thor, "it is ridiculous! How much Christmas junk do you have?"

"Hey, that's not the Christmas spirit!" said Steve. "Woah!" A pile of snowmen slipped from his grasp.

"I do not understand it either," said the Vision sympathetically.

"What's this?" I said to myself, picking up one of the scattered snowmen.

"Does anyone want some hot cocoa?" asked Wanda. She really likes hot cocoa.

It was all a whirl around me, and I was wholly at a loss as to what I was supposed to be doing after a while.

"Tony, I need more bulbs!" yelled Clint. He was hanging up a Santa Claus dart board.

Thor lay on his stomach on the floor, murmuring appreciatively as he flipped through a Christmas cookbook.

"If you step on that, you have a 98.3% chance of slicing open your foot," the Vision warned, as I almost trod on a collection of holly wine glasses.

I decided that I needed some peace and quiet, so I slipped quietly to my room.

I have definite proof that the Avengers are wholly bad. They made me share a room with Thor.

It was a horrible mess. You could hardly see the floor underneath all Thor's clothes, which were a mixture of Asgardian feast clothes and Midgardian casuals. I slowly waded to my bed, which was the top bunk. Thor had insisted on the lower one, which was just as well, since he would have fallen on top of me in the middle of the night if he'd had the top one. Still, he tossed and turned horribly and shook the whole bed all night long. I hate my brother.

I climbed into my bed and tucked my stuffed snowman under the Doctor Who coverlet. Then I sat and thought.

I needed a new prank idea. This wasn't good. A whole twelve hours had passed since I had last bothered someone- at least, intentionally. I desperately needed a new plan.

Then I got an idea. An awful idea. Loki got a wonderfully awful idea!

I slipped from my bed and tip-toed out of the room. Then I snuck into the next room down the hall.

I stopped short when I opened the door. This was the room Clint Barton and Sam Wilson shared. One half was scrupulously clean, except for one half-empty glass of orange juice on the nightstand. The other half was a wreck.

A pair of pajamas with an arrow pattern on them hung over Clint's chair. His bow was on his bed, his arrows scattered over the floor. Darts were stuck in the ceiling in the pattern of the Orion constellation. There were no less than thirteen different dirty dishes sitting on, around, and under his bed, and his drawers hung open with clothes (mostly black and purple) hanging out.

I had no idea Clint was such a messy person. I guess he hadn't told me everything, after all.

I shrugged and closed the door behind me. Then I began rummaging through Clint's stuff.

At last I found it, under his pillow (which was under three bird posters and a kite). The jar that held the means to my next evil dead: Clint's pet frog.

"Ehehehe," I cackled evilly. "My revenge will be swift and terrible!"

* * *

"Does anyone know what happened to my green arrow?" asked Clint. "I left it in a very specific spot!"

I shifted uncomfortably. I had probably moved it when searching his room.

"Yay!" said Pepper, coming briskly into the room. "We are all done with the Christmas decorating!"

"I'm exhausted," groaned Wanda, flopping down onto the couch.

"Now we need to make plans for the month," Pepper continued. "Guys, keep December 23rd free!"

"Why?" said Tony flatly, pulling his hat over his eyes.

"Because I'm planning something," Pepper sniffed. "We also need to pick a day to get our Christmas tree."

"Let's get a fake one," said Tony.

"But _tradition_!" said Steve.

**CIVIL WAR**

"We're getting a real one," said Pepper. "Tradition, Tony!"

Suddenly a scream ripped through the complex. Pietro leaped up, dropping his gameboy to the floor. "That was my sister!" he yelled.

Wanda streaked into the room, white as a sheet, but shaking with fury. "WHO PUT A FROG IN MY BED?" She held a limp Kermit as far away as possible.

"Kermit!" gasped Clint, clutching his hand to his heart.

I began to whistle innocently.

"IS HE ALIVE?"

"LOKI!"

"What did I do?" I protested

"YOU'RE GETTING NOTHING FOR CHRISTMAS!"

* * *

 _Publisher's Note: I had to put my stuffed snowman in here. His name is Keke and I have had him ever since I was three or four, I think. :) I'm letting Loki answer reviews again. Loki, be nice!_

 _Author's Note:  
the avengette- I agree! *SPOILERS FOR BIG HERO 6* Tadashi is most certainly not dead! I mean, I have died like ten times in my films, and yet, here I am! NO one dies in Marvel. :P *frowns* I should have thought of that... That would have been clever. But they'd guess too quickly it was me. They always know somehow!  
TimeyWimeyINTJ- Lily is delighted. She's running around in circles and cheering. Thank you. Now at least she's not peering over my shoulder and making sure I don't say anything too rude. I kind of like Clint's frog, but what is Kermit and why did Clint name him that? I shall have to ask him.  
I Am Legend Not Myth- I agree with Lily on the awesomeness of your name. I like you already. You agree with me that Tony is a horrible person, right? He's the true villain of each story! P/N: NO HE'S NOT THE POOR DEAR HE'S CAP'S FRIEND AND HE'S SO SAD AND I HAVE FEELS OH NO *drops to the floor in a mass of feels* A/N: She just watched the Civil War trailer. *rolls eyes*  
DeVilDahling- I look forward to watching this! Asgard needs to start a film company. Maybe when I go back... I will make Thor play all the villains, of course. Although they are the funnest part. Maybe not. OF COURSE I'm the most innocent! These people slaughtered hundreds of Chitauri! _

_And a special thank you to TimeyWimeyINTJ for favourite-ing the story! My list of slaves grows! *rubs hands together*_

 _I don't know if you guys prefer me to answer in the story or via PM, so if you'd rather get a PM response, just write PM at the bottom of your review. :)_


	6. Somebody Snitched

**Somebody Snitched on Me**

 _Author's Note: I am extremely discriminated against. It's terrible. Did you know that I'm not even allowed to vote? Steve says criminals can't, and that I'm not even a citizen of America. That seems rather petty._

* * *

"Today, we're going to get a Christmas tree," said Pepper, slamming a box of Loki Charms on the counter top.

"Why would we do that?" asked Tony, sneaking her iPhone from her back pocket. "There will be needles all over the floor!"

"Because," said Pepper, taking the phone back, "it will be an experience."

I can honestly say that I agree with Tony on this one. What is the point of an "experience" - unless it's experiencing world domination?

"What are you holding, brother?" said Thor, plopping down beside me and upsetting my bowl of cereal.

"Nothing," I muttered, and stuck Keke (my adopted stuffed snowman) under my sweater.

"You people are so unhealthy," the Vision commented. "If you eat cereal at this rate, you will die 1.8 years sooner than you would otherwise."

Clint practiced throwing darts at his embedded infinity stone.

"This isn't going to work, Thor," said Tony, opening the cabinet and pointing to a large box of poptarts with Mjolnir on top of it. "It's cardboard. Someone could just cut a hole in it."

"Still pretty clever, though," said Rhodie.

"Finish your breakfast and get your coats on," said Pepper. "I don't have all day!"

"You can't go out in that, Loki!" said Wanda, who had apparently forgiven me for the last two days. "You'll freeze to death!"

"Fine by me," I said mopily.

"Loki needs a scarf and gloves," she called to Pepper. "Does anyone have any spares?"

That's how I ended up with a red, white, and blue scarf, mismatching gloves (one purple and the other green), and a hat that looked like Banner must have hulked out in it.

There was a big argument about who had to bring the tree back in his car, but in the end it was agreed that Thor and the Man of Iron would carry it between them and fly back to the complex.

"This one looks good," said Steve.

"No, this one," said Clint. He pointed to one with a bird perched in its branches. "Always trust the judgement of birds."

"That is so weird," said Nat, pushing past him. "We should get a small one."

"Yeah, so I won't have to move furniture," said Tony.

"Like you'd be the one doing it," said Steve and Sam together.

"Don't grub in the dirt, Loki," said Rhodie. "You're getting my glove dirty."

I didn't listen. I had come across a very nice ant hill, and it would be a waste not to destroy their home and declare myself ruler.

"I found the best one," said Pietro, appearing suddenly.

"How do you know it's the best?" asked Rhodie.

"Because he's already been around the whole field," said Wanda. She wrapped her arms around herself and shivered. "Guys, can we just decide already?"

"Loki, get up from the dirt, you're messing up Cap's scarf," said Sam. "Let's see the one you picked, Pietro."

The Avengers walked off, but I stayed behind. The ants were very nice. There was a whole colony. I bent down and put my mouth near the holes.

"Kneel before me," I whispered.

"Loki, get over here!" yelled someone, and I regretfully left the ant hill only half demolished.

"Help Clint saw this tree down," said my brother.

"Why doesn't the man of spangles?" I said, frowning.

"You need more muscles," said Thor, and shoved me forward.

Clint was whistling I'll Be Home for Christmas.

"Will you shut up?" I hissed.

"Nothing you can say can dampen my spirits," said Clint. "I'm going to be with my family for Christmas."

"WHAT?" I shouted, then winced as I sliced open my hand. "You never told me you had a family!"

Apparently there were a lot of things he didn't tell me.

"I feel so abused," I whimpered. "You lied to me!"

"Well, you were mind controlling me, so I was provoked," he said apologetically.

"Are you guys almost done?" yelled Tony from above us. "It's taking you forever! Maybe if I just..."

"NOOO!" yelled Pepper, but it was too late.

Tony sent a blast of energy at the tree trunk.

There was a sonic boom and a mini mushroom cloud, and Clint and I slowly sat up.

"You're covered with soot," I said to Clint.

"You're one to talk," he countered.

"TONY!" yelled Pepper.

I love it when people are angry at someone besides me.

After a lot of yelling and blaming and confusion (during which I was very busy planning a special surprise for Tony), the man of Iron and my brother finally lifted off and started carrying the tree to the Avengers complex.

"When do we decorate?" squealed Nat.

"I think we'll do that tomorrow," said Pepper. She looked exhausted, and understandably so. You can't yell for fifteen minutes at Tony Stark without suffering.

We piled in Clint's hippie van and started chugging back, when suddenly there was a loud scream from above us. Then something smashed through the van roof.

"WHO PUT ANTS IN MY SUIT!?" yelled Tony, tearing off his armor piece by piece. "AAAH!"

"LOKI!" yelled everyone, turning on me.

"WHAT?" I yelled back defiantly.

"YOU'RE NOT GETTING A THING FOR CHRISTMAS!"

* * *

 _Author's Note: I almost didn't include the fact that Kermit the frog actually did survive; but since everyone seemed worried about it, I had to mention, he is absolutely fine._

 _Elessar's Daughter- Finally someone who sees sense. :) Thank you! And you're welcome. I'm really starting to enjoy writing this. Kermit is alive, or I would have an arrow through some uncomfortable part of me. lol (it stands for "Laughing Out Loud")  
TimeyWimeyINTJ- Yes, I really like the blanket. Thor bought it for me because he thought it looked like space, and then Lily made me start watching Doctor Who after fangirling over it for about three days. The Muppets? I shall have to research this using my newly acquired Eye Phone.  
Loki's slave- Yes, I am the best writer ever. With my skills, it won't be long before the whole of Midgard bows before me! And YES. Odin is stupid stupid stupid! P/N: I do not agree with Loki on this, just so everyone knows. I think Odin makes mistakes, but he's a loving and kind father... AAAH! *runs away from Loki... again*  
Maniac at Midnight- A/N: Ehehehe, I love pranking them. If only they were stupid and couldn't guess it was I!  
aschi49- In LOVE with me? *fumes* If I could choose a superpower, it'd be to crawl through this computer and punch you in the face! P/N: It's not nice to hit girls, Loki! For shame! Besides, you have no idea how many people are in love with you... A/N: Wait... what? ANYHOW. I accept your total and complete surrender to my every whim. You will help me take over the world, and we shall rule together as Master and Minion! We are sorry, Lily and I, that we didn't get this up as early as usual. Lily dragged me to church. *fumes some more* I myself don't see why everyone is so upset/excited/happy about the Civil War trailer. I'm not even in it!  
the avengette- You have prank skills worthy of the god of mischief! I congratulate you! You sister does sound very much like Clint. XD (That is an EMOJI. Lily is teaching me the use of these funny symbols :D)  
Jedi Kay-Kenobi- Thank you for stopping by. :D That is an idea... where can I find more frogs? PEPPER, I WANT TO GO TO THE PET SHOP!  
I Am Legend Not Myth- See? Everyone agrees with me. I am discriminated against! Although maybe putting Kermit in Wanda's bed was a little cruel... TO THE FROG. Hahaha. P/N: Loki, you need to take a nap. Look your sense of humor is going down hill. A/N: WHAT?  
LadyofAnfalas- Yes, Pepper is a taskmaster. P/N: we have tons of decorations, too. *faints from exhaustion* Every Black Friday is so tiring! _

_A/N: Thanks all for reviewing! Thank you aschi49 and Jedi Kay-Kenobi for following, and Jedi Kay-Kenobi for favourite-ing!_


	7. I Spilled Some Blood on Tony's Rug

**I Spilled Some Blood on Tony's Rug**

 _Author's Note: This chapter sounds worse than it is. Blood is very plentiful. It wasn't a waste. Why do you people get freaked out by blood so easily? CHILL._

* * *

"Now we're trimming the tree," said Pepper. "Tony, did yOU DRINK ALL THE HOT COCOA?"

"Where are the ornaments?" asked Steve. "I should have saved mine..."

"You were in the ice for 75 years, Steve," said Sam. "I think someone would have thrown them away."

"But I had this great one that would be an antique now!" sighed Cap. "Bucky had hand-painted it... *sniff*"

"Sentimental nonsense," I commented, and finished my puzzle. It was a picture of little people in green making toys. "Elves don't look like this, you know," I said, peering at the box. "They're whiter, and-"

"That's racist, Loki," said Thor.

"CAREFUL, THOSE ARE BREAKABLE!" said Wanda, as Pietro ran in with a large box.

"TINSEL!" shouted Tony, pulling out yards of the despicable stuff.

"Cookies, anyone?" asked Nat, placing a tray of them on the coffee table.

"I am sure your cooking is wonderful, Natasha," said Vision, who had just downloaded the wikihow on how to talk to women, "but I am unable to eat things."

"I need to do an upgrade on you," said Tony.

"No thanks," said the Vision.

"Oh, so that's why you wouldn't go on a date with me!" said Wanda, pouting.

"Wanda, I did not give you permission to go out with that man," said Pietro.

"Loki, what on earth are you doing?" asked Thor.

"I'm decorating," I said.

"Is that my shaving cream?" asked Tony.

"No," I said, putting it behind my back.

"You're going to have to wash those windows," said Pepper.

"I think it looks rather nice," said Clint, looking at my wonderful shaving cream art.

"Except that it's all pictures of him smashing police cars and drop-kicking planet earth," Tony said dryly.

"It's art! Respect the art!" I said.

"AWWW, IT'S SO CUTE!" Clint squealed. He'd found an ornament with an arrow on it.

"Why on earth would anyone want a partridge in a pear tree, anyhow?" asked Rhodie.

"Hey, birds are great!" said Sam. He and Clint high fived while shouting "Bird Bros".

"You guys are so weird," said Nat.

"Loki, are you going to help decorate the tree, or are you going to keep eating all of the cookies?"

"The latter," I said.

"Get over here!"

I grumpily got up and stomped over to the tree.

Unfortunately I stomped on a glass ornament.

I howled.

"Look what you did, Loki!" said Tony. "There's blood all over my rug!"

"You're not getting anything from me for Christmas!"

* * *

 _Publisher's Note: It really wasn't Loki's fault this time. XD Tony, really? I think he's just being mean because he's so upset about the Civil War trailer. D:_

 _Thank you aschi49 for favourite-ing! :)_

 _Jedi Kay-Kenobi- Don't give Loki ideas! I told him what you said, and now he's googling "local swamps" and "where to find snakes in the wild". Spoilers: Scott Lang is going to show up eventually, but apparently he'll have forgotten about this incident by then. One of the problems of having the whole story written before-hand is that my reviewers come up with great ideas and it's too late to use them, unless I change the story all around! XD  
Maniac at Midnight- Are these your friends or are you schizophrenic? lol All of your suggestions are great! Your review made me laugh, but I'm a little confused... XD  
aschi49- Loki read your review and then insisted on reading Harry Potter. He finished all of them in a day. Now he's under his bed and won't come out. He told me that Fred and George are now his heroes. He also told me to tell you that when he's recovered from the feels, he'll rule the world with you. Problem is, I don't think he'll ever recover from the feels... XD Thank you! Yeah, had to keep him in my purse the whole time or my pastor would have said something about associating with bad people... A/N: I AM NOT A PERSON. I AM IMMORTAL! P/N: Okay, chill!  
LadyOfAnfalas- I need to be careful. I don't particularly approve of Loki's taking over the world schemes... he's gaining too much of a following. D:  
Elessar's Daughter- Loki says thank you, and he would thank you personally except that he's under his bed sobbing. Not that he admits that he's sobbing. Thank you so much! ^-^ _

_You guys are awesome! I look forward to updating again. :)_


	8. I Made Rogers Eat a Bug

**I Made Rogers Eat a Bug**

 _Author's Note: When someone comes to you and says in the nicest way possible with a puppy-dog look in her eyes that she'd simply_ love _for you to write a wonderful Christmas story for her- Tell her no. Trust me on this. Lily has been driving me up the wall with her constant nagging and shoving of laptops at me. I'm tired of relaying my horrible life!_

 _She insists that it's just a very ordinary bout of Writer's Dumps, and I'll get over it quickly. "Reviews speed up the process," she declares, "and if you don't publish consistently, then you won't get as many reviews."_

 _I have other things to do. People to prank. Worlds to dominate. So be very thankful that I'm taking the time to write this story._

* * *

"You guys ate all my cookies," said Nat*.

"Sorry!" shouted Clint from where he was playing Mariokart.

"So you guys can make some more!" she finished.

"WHAT?" yelled Tony. "NOT ANOTHER CHRISTMAS ACTIVITY!"

"Yes! I'll make the frosting!" said Pepper.

"No, that's okay, I'm sure someone else will do it," said Nat hurriedly. Pepper wasn't the best cook.

"Loki, get in here," said Thor. "No shirking. You will help the Midgardians with this next project!"

"It's supposed to be for fun," said Steve, "so Loki shouldn't get to help after that last stunt he pulled."

"I didn't do anything!" I protested. Getting blamed for stepping on a glass ornament and cutting myself and almost dying of BLOOD LOSS? Come on, people!

"Yes you did," said Pepper huffily. "You deliberately stomped on an expensive ornament!"

"I DID NOT!" I yelled.

"You're not getting any cookies!" said Tony.

"I DON'T CARE!" I shouted. Even though I did.

I stomped off to my room- this time avoiding all glass objects that might be on the floor- and jumped on my bed. I picked up Keke and looked into his eyes.

"You're the only one who understands me," I whispered.

"You're talking to a stuffed toy?" said Thor very loudly so that all the Avengers could hear him. "Loki, are you going crazy?"

"SHUT UP, THOR," I yelled, throwing Keke across the room. I swear one of these days I'll kill that great oaf.

In the mean time, there had to be some way I could get back at Steve Rogers. That jerk had ruined all my plans of cookie domination! Cooking is the one thing (besides ruling the world) that I'm good at. And now I couldn't showcase my mastery to these peasants.

Then I had an idea.

I had been planning to use the ants I had saved from the van wreckage on Thor, but I supposed I must make the necessary sacrifice for the sake of revenge. I tiptoed to the kitchen.

Nat and Clint were mixing the dough, Steve was stirring up some frosting, and the Vision was rummaging for some sprinkles. No one was looking at the powdered sugar that Steve was about to add to the icing.

"I'm frosting this red, white, and blue, for freedom," said Steve, straightening his apron and picking up a cookie.

"I get to try one first!" said Clint. "I made them."

"No, I do!" said Captain America. "I'm older!"

"I think Cap should get the first one," I said.

Everyone looked at me suspiciously. Steve examined the cookie, and then looked at me suspiciously again. "Maybe I don't want the first one after all."

"Sure you do," I said slyly. "Look how good it is!"

"If you switched the Vanilla for my hydrochloric acid..." Tony warned.

"Of course not!" I said, feigning horror. "Why would I do that to Captain America?"

Steve suspiciously took a bite. Then he suspiciously chewed. Then he suspiciously swallowed. "You didn't do anything to them?" he said suspiciously.

"AHAHA I put ants in the icing!" I laughed. "LOKI'D!"

"LOKI I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU!"

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

"NO PRESENTS FOR YOU THIS CHRISTMAS!"

* * *

* _Lily told me to shamelessly advertise her story "Cookies" here. It's a one-shot about the Avengers. Since she doesn't even remember whether I'm in it or not, I suppose it must be terrible._

* * *

 _Author's Note: Out of curiosity, is anyone else going to be forced into Christmas Carolling this year? Pepper said something about it, and I want to think of a way to get out of it._

 _Jedi Kay-Kenobi- I've been working on finding those frogs and snakes you mentioned. There don't seem to be any swamps in this section of New York. Most annoying- ARHLG Funny how having Lily's cat on top of me can make everything so much harder *glares at cat* I can hardly type. *pets cat gently* I think I might like animals...  
aschi49- *pouts* Lily won't let me read Divergent. She says she hates that book. In fact, she ranted for like ten minutes straight. Stop reading over my shoulder, cat! *shoves cat out of the way* As I was saying. Lily really doesn't like Divergent, and as for The Hunger Games, she says I would like the violence too much. It's not fair because everyone is talking about the last movie, and ugh. Are all publishers like this? So demanding! I can't wait to rule the world with you. It will be a blast. Literally. :)) P/N: Is that supposed to be a double-chinned smiley? A/N: DON'T QUESTION MY SMILEYS  
TimeyWimeyiNTJ- Sam and Clint have a whole club now. Clint built a treehouse at his farm and they will only let Bird Bros in. I think they were even talking about opening a Bird Bros Burger Joint.  
the avengette- That's okay. All that happens to people who don't read this right away is they are incinerated instantaneously! P/N: I promise he's just joking! Sometimes it's rather hard to tell! D: Oh, but avengette, have you seen that gif of Jeremy Renner fangirling? IT. IS. LIFE. A/N: Who's Jeremy Renner?  
rogue planet 13- I hate Lily's kindle's autocorrect, too. It doesn't even know what Asgard is. -_- It's NEVER my fault. Well, hardly ever.  
Elessar's Daughter- I really like your respectful address of me every review. I am very proud of my ego, thank you. :) Yay! Except Tony locked his shaving cream up so I wouldn't do it again. :( Lily, does your dad have any shaving cream I can borrow?...  
LadyOfAnfalas- I don't... think so? Thor, do Jotuns have healing powers? Anyhow, yes, I think the evil monster who slayed me was dark, but he was a Kurst. You may have seen Malekith, my brother's enemy, had white-ish grey skin until the Aether possessed him. Man, that part of my life was WEIRD. P/N: Wait a minute, that dude WAS dark skinned before he was a Kurst. I didn't remember that before. A/N: Wait, you've met that guy? P/N: Um... Anyhow, most of the dark elves wore masks, so it was hard to tell. I was just going by Malekith. Maybe the comics talk about it more. A/N: Comics? Oh, what's wrong with WikiHow? I will have to find this web sight. P/N: *sigh* Website, Loki. _


	9. Broke Phil's Favourite Coffee Mug

**Broke Phil's Favourite Coffee Mug**

 _Author's Note: If you peasants would please stop reviewing and telling my puny publisher that this is a good story, I would appreciate it. After all, it's_ me _doing all the work. And her pictures are terrible! I am NOT that fat!_

* * *

"'Dear Natasha,'" Nat read aloud, "'I wish you were here. I cannot come home for Christmas, sadly. It's making me so sad that I think I might- oh no-' And after that I think he hulked out, because it's all scribbles."

"So he's not coming back, then?" said Clint. "Thank goodness."

"Clint!"

"I don't like him hitting on you! It's creepy."

"I was the one hitting on him, thank you very much," Nat sniffed. "Will he ever come back?!"

"I wish Bucky could come for Christmas," Steve sniffled. "I remember the last Christmas I was awake for... he bought me a flexible flyer..."

"Steve, I don't understand why you want to hang out with a psychopath so much," said Rhodie.

"Psychopaths are cool," I said, perking up. "I would like to meet this 'Bucky'."

"No, I don't think you'd get along well," said Steve. "Bucky is nice." I think he was still upset about the ants.

"Here's a card from your family, Clint. Your wife says that you don't have to come home for Christmas."

"Stop reading my mail. WHAT?" Clint grabbed the card from Tasha. "Why would she say that?"

"Maybe because last time, you painted hawks all over the nursery," said Nat, rolling her eyes. "I don't think she appreciates your decorating skills."

"But it was pure, unadulterated talent!" said Clint. "I'm a great artist!"

"I'm expecting lots of packages today," said Tony breezily, throwing an iPhone down on the counter. "No body open them. Spoilers."

"Tony, where did you get that?" said Pepper angrily. "I told you, no electronic devices at all, since you keep hacking into the internet!"

"I don't see why you get to tell me I can't be on my own internet!" Tony protested.

I'm not the only one with abusive relationships.

The doorbell rang.

"Don't answer that," I said. I hate visitors.

"It's just the mail, Loki," said Wanda, hurrying to the door.

"She has a crush on the UPS man," Pietro explained longsufferingly.

"How many packages did you say you were getting?" asked Pepper uncomfortably.

The UPS man stumbled in, carrying twenty boxes, and Wanda trotted after him, carrying two. "Tony, where are you going to put all this stuff?" asked Pepper. "I told you to let me do the Christmas shopping again!"

"But this Christmas is special," said Tony. "It's my first Christmas... *sniff* without Jarvis..."

"I am simply Jarvis upgraded," said the Vision, patting Tony comfortingly on the back.

"I don't see how buying so many Christmas presents is going to help you with your loss," said Pepper dryly.

"They're not presents!" said Tony. "Well, I guess they are. For me. What? I need an emotional booster! I shop online when I'm depressed!"

Nat rolled her eyes.

The UPS man shifted uncomfortably. Tony whirled around and pointed at him.

"If any of this goes onto the internet, I will personally blast your house apart!" he threatened.

The UPS man ran.

Ehehehe, the man of Iron did not reckon on me being able to hack into his precious internet. }:D

"Tony," said Pepper, turning slowly towards him, "did you say that you bought those things... online?"

Tony cowered. "NO," he lied.

There was an eerie silence.

Then two streaks of colour zoomed out of the room. I assume the first was Tony and the second was Pepper.

"What was that about?" asked Pietro.

"His internet fast," Nat began.

"Loki, you shouldn't drink out of that mug," said Pepper, reentering the room and looking like she was in a foul temper. "It's Phil's favourite."

The mug in question was one that Tony had bought in a bout of angsty sorrow after Agent Coulson "died". It said "Coulson Lives" on it, but Tony's opinion of it had gone drastically down after he found out that Coulson actually _did_ live.

"Where's Tony?" asked the Vision cautiously.

"He's hiding," Pepper huffed.

The door bell rang again.

"Speaking of the doorbell ringing," said Cap, although nobody had been, "why are there no America knock knock jokes?"

"It's Phil," said Pepper, going to the door.

"There _are_ American knock knock jokes," said the Vision. "The knock knock joke originated in Tenn-"

"I said _America_ knock knock jokes," said Cap. "Not Ameri _can_."

"You mean, 'Who's there? America. America who'?" asked Tony, slipping into the room and hoping Pepper wouldn't notice. "That wouldn't make sense."

"Come in, Phil," said Pepper.

"Oh," said Tony, who was getting the two conversations mixed up. "You mean, like, 'Knock knock. Who's there? America. Come in America!'? That would be a really stupid joke."

"You're just supposed to say _I don't know_!" said Cap.

"I don't know America? That makes even less sense!"

"No," said Cap, exasperated. "I say, why are there no America knock knock jokes, you say, I don't know."

"Don't tell me this is a dad joke!" said Tony.

"IT'S BECAUSE FREEDOM RINGS!" yelled Cap.

There was a thunderous silence.

Coulson sniggered.

"Notice that only dad-type people laugh at dad jokes," said Tony dryly.

I decided to test that hypothesis on Odin.

"Loki, waTCH OUT!" yelled Wanda.

I looked down just in time to see Phil's favourite mug crash to the ground.

"Oops," I said. "Sorry." To the mug, of course. I don't say sorry to mere mortals.

Coulson frowned. "SHIELD," he said, "regrets to inform you that you are not getting any Christmas presents this year."

* * *

 _Author's Note: Ehehehe. It's too bad. I sort of liked that mug myself._

 _Thanks, serenagotisullivan and RussianAssassin for following and favourite-ing my story! :) You guys are awesome._

 _TimeyWimeyINTJ- Lily says thank you, and tried to grab the laptop from me to thank you herself, but I wouldn't let her have it. :) She says she'll have to re-read it because she doesn't remember how it ends.  
Guest- AHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, I must spike their drinks! I fear it wouldn't have that much of an effect on the Man of Iron, though. I also liked your idea of making Thor sing, but he already does that enough, and it would be too painful for me to make him do it because my ears will blow up.  
the avengette- Thank you for the advice. Thor once made me go caroling to Jotunheim as a peaceful advance to the Frost Giants. It... well, it didn't go well. Thankfully, the cold never bothered me anyway.  
Maniac at Midnight- I had perfectly good reasons, I assure you. Mainly revenge. And it was fun to see his horrified face.  
rbavenger- NO. The Hulk is not invited to our Christmas. D: I still haven't gotten over a certain injury from last time. XD  
rogue planet 13- Don't worry. I only used one ant. I thought I'd like to save the rest for something spectacular. I don't know what yet. No one will believe me! I have tried that before. No one thinks I'm telling the truth! I said I had a sore throat when Thor made me carol to Laufey, and he didn't believe me. D:  
RussianAssassin- I like your avatar. But should you be reading this in class? Sounds like something I would do. }:) I am happy you laughed! And are you the same Russian Assassin that guest-reviewed? Just wondering! _

_See you tomorrow, my minions. }:)_


	10. Somebody Snitched on

**Somebody Snitched on Me**

 _Author's Note: I really like the snow. It reminds me of Jotunheim. Man, I miss my real dad..._

* * *

Soft, white flakes flitted down from the icy sky and landed lightly on the ground, melting almost instantly. I pressed my nose against the cold window pain and my breath made a frosty mark on the glass.

"I didn't know you were so poetic," said Wanda, looking over my shoulder as I'm writing this.

"GO AWAY!" I shouted. I think I may have damaged her ears, but NO ONE reads over my shoulder while I'm writing!

"Look at all that beautiful snow!" sighed Jane Foster, who had come over for a visit. "You know, Darcy and I used to always make donuts on the first snow of the year."

"WE SHOULD TOTALLY DO THAT!" said Tony. "Pepper, get a deep fryer-"

"We don't have one, Tony."

"That's why I said get one. Pietro, the flour. I'll make the dough. Let's go!"

"Tony..." said Pepper.

"Tradition, Pepper! It's special!"

And so we made donuts.

See, it's things like donuts that makes me especially mad that I did not succeed in my Midgard Domination plans. I could have had endless, limitless supplies of them, drat it!

Tony put on a CD and the Avengers scurried around collecting ingredients.

"I want Holland cream in mine," said Clint.

"If I were able to eat, I would choose one with sprinkles," said the Vision.

"You don't get an opinion on this," said Tony huffily.

"Remember the last time you excluded Jarvis," Pepper warned with a smirk.*

"Chocolate," was all I said. Chocolate is heaven- I mean Valhalla.

"Loki, you're smearing chocolate frosting everywhere," said Pietro.

I get blamed for everything!

I had been becoming more and more attached to the idea of limitless donuts, so I began to hatch a cunning plan.

"Once there's enough snow on the ground," said Nat, glancing out the window, "we should go sledding!"

"Yes, we should," said Thor excitedly. "I will win this Midgardian sport!"

"You don't win," said Nat, rolling her eyes.

"You totally win," said Clint. "We'll race."

"What, do you have, like, a special steering arrow?" asked Tony sarcastically. I thought Clint's collection of arrows was pretty awesome.

"Actually, yes," said Clint, putting on his sunglasses like a boss.

"The recipe says that you're supposed to let the dough sit for awhile," said Pepper, scrolling around on her phone. "Hahaha!"

"What is it?" asked Tony, trying to see over her shoulder. "You're on pinterest? We're supposed to be cooking!"

"The recipe is on pinterest!" said Pepper, holding the phone out of Tony's reach.

"Lemme see," said Tony. "I want to search for new Civil War memes!"

"There was a really good one I found yesterday," said Cap. "But it was a 'cancelled' version."

"Even the frozen microwave dinners dude knows more of what's going on in the world than I do!" wailed Tony. "This isn't right!"

"Why exactly is Tony not allowed on the internet again?" asked Wanda.

"He's on an internet fast for December," said Pepper serenely. "And he's acting like a silly child about it. Man up, Tony."

"But I want my wifi!"

The timer dinged.

"The dough is done rising!" said Wanda, lifing it from the warm spot beside the fire. "Now we roll it out?"

"Yes," said Pepper. "Lol, Loki fanart always cracks me up."

"What?" I said, jerking my head up.

"Awww," said Wanda. She had joined Pepper and was looking at the phone. "He's got antlers and a Rudolf nose!"

"What is this nonsense?" I sniffed.

"Now we fry," said Steve, tying on his "America's Test Kitchen" apron again. "Tony, can you give me a hand?"

Tony reluctantly tore himself away from begging Pepper to let him have his wifi and began heating up the oil in the deep fryer.

"We should make some of them bacon donuts," he said.

"Eww," said Pietro indelicately.

"Holland creme," Clint insisted. "All of them."

"With arrows and birds on the side, I assume," said Tony. "You take obsessing to the next level, Clint."

Finally, the first batch of donuts was done, and I was able to start on my evil plan.

"These look so good!" said Natasha rapturously.

"Can I eat them now?" asked Thor, who had been begging for them like a puppy since the first came out of the fryer.

"I suppose," said Nat indulgently, reaching for one herself.

Thor grabbed one and bit down-

-into thin air.

"WHAT IS THIS TRICKERY?" he shouted. "LOKI, YOU HAVE SPIRITED AWAY OUR DELICIOUS SPHERES OF DELECTABLE-"

"OUR DONUTS!" yelled Nat. "LOKI!"

"YOU'RE-"

"I'M NOT-"

"NOTHING-"

"ANYTHING-"

"FOR CHRISTMAS!"

* * *

*This is another reference to my _Cookies_ and _Jarvis' Revenge_ stories. :3

* * *

 _Author's Note: Those donuts were really good. ^-^_

 _the avengette- Ehehe, the cup is in a million pieces. But perhaps I can find another one. I've never heard of Second and Charles, but Lily has taken me to Hot Topic, which I assume is somewhat similar. They did have Loki Pop! figurines there, and they were awesome. I also like the Ronan one. }:D Although I'm way cooler than him. But I got a shirt that says: "I Solemnly Swear I am Up to No Good". It's perfect. I love it. I wear it all the time. P/N: Actually, I bought it, he just stole it from me. -_- Hazards of hanging with a deceitful demigod. A/N: Ehehehe...  
serenagotisullivan- No, I haven't. What is this "Two Girls One Cup" you speak of? I'm glad you like my excellent writing. :)  
Maniac at Midnight- How could you ever hate ME? The most likable demigod in existence? I don't understand! Your sister is cooler than you. }:)  
TimeyWimeyINTJ- Yes, it's quite sad, isn't it. Maybe I can find one again, to give someone for Christmas. Wait, what am I thinking? Why would I get anyone anything for Christmas? Pffft.  
Elessar's Daughter- Oops, sometimes FF. net acts up. :3 Thankyou. My lifespan has already lasted longer than people expected- I died twice and came back. Pretty awesome, huh? Yes, although my projection abilities are slightly hindered here on Midgard. As you see, I utilized them in sneaking away all the donuts. Still, maybe I can make a realistic projection of Steve. Ehehehe... And I would very much like to know how you got past the school Wifi! Teach me HOW! Pepper is cracking down hard on anyone who lets Tony use the Wifi, but he promised to pay well, so I need to figure out a way to get past Pepper. }:D  
Jedi Kay-Kenobi- That's okay. Now you can simply be my slave for the rest of your life. :) And yes, Coulson is really scary when he's angry. I had to hide under my bed for three hours until he left. O.o  
aschi49- Lily is very strict. She says Divergent is her least favourite book on the planet, and no one is to read it in her house. P/N: Do you know how weird it is to have an infamous Asgardian visit you every day to work on a story? You get a lot of weird looks, that's for sure. The Avengers don't really trust me. XD A/N: Lily, can I have the laptop back now? Thank you. *huff* She makes me say thank you. Annoying publisher... pffft. Oh, Lily says she perfectly understands about Life. She insists that it likes to come up behind her and hit her over the head with a bit of lead piping whenever it gets the chance. That's why she has a strange obsession with death. Maybe not that healthy... oooh, is there a way you can put it on DeviantArt or somethign? I want to see this masterpiece! although I'm taller than that... :P  
RussianAssassin- Cool. I like cats. I hope it wasn't permanently scarred by your laughter. Lily says her cat is easily permanently scarred. She won't let me make it kneel. I like Lily's cat. Well, it's actually Lily's sister's cat. It's black and really regal.  
lotrfangirl16- YES. Another Lord of the Rings fan. Lily is one of those. Simply RABID. But I am beginning to be one, too. Gollum is SO COOL. Yeah, maybe I won't get presents from the stupid Avengers. See if I care! *sticks tongue out at evil Avengers*  
LadyOfAnfalas- I wish Lily had a mug like that. Sadly, no. :(_


	11. Fury and Coulson are Mad

**11**

 _So I'm getting nothing for Christmas  
_ _Fury and Coulson are mad  
_ _I'm getting nothing for Christmas  
_ _'Cause I ain't been nothing but bad_

 _Author's Note: Not that I don't like music. I love good music. Asgardian music. Hell, even Jotunheim music. But even bilchsteim singing sounds better than tinny bells being rung by the inexpert!_

* * *

"Grab your coat, Loki," said Wanda, tossing me a scarf and gloves. "We're going on an outing."

I was still in my bathrobe. I was still shivering from the cold shower this morning. I was still wet down the back from my wet hair dripping. I did not want to go on an outing.

"I don't want to go on an outing," I said. Perfectly affable. Nice and polite.

"You're such a wet blanket!" said Wanda. She rolled her eyes.

Everyone thinks that I can never be _not_ doing something rude, mean, conniving, or naughty. It's not fair. Discrimination, I say!

"Will Jane Foster be there?" I asked glumly, pulling on my coat.

"No, just Pietro and I are going," she said. "It's to hear a bell choir, Loki. You'll like it. They'll play Christmas music."

"Christmas be-" I began, but thought better of cursing in front of a lady. I followed her out the door with an unhappy frown.

The church where the performance was held was extremely crowded. I frowned ferociously at an old lady who was elbowing me until she moved away with a little shriek, and wrapped my scarf around my face until just my angry eyebrows were showing.

"Loki, for goondess' sake," said Wanda. She grabbed my arm and started dragging me toward a pew. Then she shoved me down in the seat and thumped down herself, placing her muffed hands placidly on her lap.

The performance was starting. I suppose it could always be worse. It could have been violins. Amateur violinists are the Dickens.

"Speaking of Dickens," said Wanda unnervingly. I hate it when people manipulate my mind. Only I am allowed to do that! "We should read A Christmas Carol. It's my favourite Christmas story!"

"Ssshhhh!" said the audience.

I scrunched down in my seat. The only thing worse than listening to an amateur choir is having someone along with you who is loud and draws attention.

Ting ding ding, said the bells.

I covered my ears.

Tingblingdingbingtingting.

I buried my head in my scarf and scrunched down farther in my seat.

Finally, I couldn't stand it any more.

"SHUT UP, YOU FOOLS!" I shouted, and blasted them with my sceptre.

"Where did he get his sceptre?!" yelled Pietro. "Wanda!"

"I'm fine," she said, climbing out from under a church pew. "LOKI!"

Sirens sounded from outside. Police men and SWAT teams rushed through the doors, telling everyone to get under cover and yelling at me to stand down.

"Look what you did, Loki!" said Pietro, grabbing Wanda. "I think it best if I am not associated with you at this time." He zipped off.

"Loki, put down the spear," said Fury, marching in and pointing a gun at me. Coulson was behind him with his maddeningly calm smirk.

"I will do nothing of the sort!" I said, even though I didn't need it anymore. The bells were definitely, irretrievably silenced.

"Do you want me to blast that stupid sneer off your stupid face?" Fury threatened.

"Just try!" I said.

"This mess you made," said Fury. "I don't get paid enough for this!"

"Serves you right!"

"I'M NOT GETTING YOU ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS!"

* * *

 _Publisher's Note: Sadly, I'll have to answer for Loki this time. Not just for the reviews, but also for the problems he made. Right now he's in prison overnight. And he has a cold. And he keeps sending me nasty messages via Fury's phone, which he stole. *eyeroll*_

 _the avengette- I LOVE PINTEREST. It's my second home, after fan fiction! :P I want to follow you; would that creep you out too much? You can find me under the same name: Lily Lindsey-Aubrey. I bet I'm the only one on there called that. XD Now I kind of want to make bacon donuts, too...  
RussianAssassin- Haha, Loki says he should have thought of that. :P  
lotrfangirl16- I'm still trying to decipher what this means. You sarcastically like Loki? Or you're being sarcastic about liking Loki? He's worried. XD  
aschi49- *sigh* each to his own, I guess. I hate Divergent, couldn't get myself to read the rest. It's on my list of favourite books to hate. o.o DONUTS. The donuts we make never turn out that well :/ But I love the Colossal donuts you get at Shoppers. EPIC. You wouldn't think so, cause you get them at a grocery store, but they're the best ones I've ever had. HOLLAND CREAM. HEAVEN. That prank is PURE EVIL. How did you think of that? Loki respects you a lot now. O.o XD  
TimeyWimeyINTJ- I love Clint's arrows! He is starting to be my favourite Avenger... oh no! My loyalty to Cap must keep him my favourite!  
Elessar's Daughter- I would make an Allegiant hate club, except I haven't read it. I WILL HAPPILY MAKE A DIVERGENT HATE CLUB, THO. *ducks rotten tomatoes* I heard about the end of Allegiant, actually. I think I know what happens... Not sure, though.  
LadyOfAnfalas- Loki says thank you from prison. He should be getting out any hour now... *sigh* _

_Thanks guys! Your reviews are really boosting Loki's mood. He used to mope all the time. Now he only mopes every five minutes. :) He's really getting better! Thanks again! Soon he won't be moping at all! Hopefully by Christmas. . ._


	12. I Put a Tack on Wilson's Chair

**I Put a Tack on Wilson's Chair**

 _Author's Note: Dragged hither and yon constantly by crazy mortals gets tiring after a while. Of all the months I could have been banished here, why December?_

* * *

"JC Penny's first," said Cap briskly. "Follow me, Loki." He, Clint, and Sam had decided that we needed to do some Christmas shopping.

"Why do I have to go shopping?" I humphed. "You guys aren't giving me presents, I shouldn't get you any."

"It's your duty as a resident," said Clint. "And besides, we're not just shopping for presents. You need some new outfits!"

I looked down at my shirt. It was a little last year.

"I suppose I could do with a few new outfits," I said, flipping my hair.

"Right," said Steve, looking up at the Apple Blossom Mall and putting his hands on his hips. "Like I said: JC Penny's."

We headed toward that crowded zoo of puny peasants but were stopped at the door by a skinny man in a santa suit. He was ringing a bell, which was annoying. He must have known about my bell mishap yesterday...

Steve stopped and dug into his pockets. He pulled out several dollars and dropped them in the man's bucket. Clint dug in his pockets. All he found was a folding arrow. He shrugged and dropped it in.

"Don't look at me," I said grumpily. "I don't have pockets."

"You definitely need some new clothes," Steve sighed.

This place that bears the name of JC Penny's is beyond description. It's full of pre-made clothes! Who ever heard of such a thing? I really wish I had my tailor with me.

"Not that," I said, sniffing, as Steve held up a polo shirt. "It's got stripes."

In the end, I didn't get anything from that store.

"You have to pick something, Loki," said Sam. "I have a meeting I got to be at by five."

"I think I should enroll Bucky in one of your classes," said Steve. "He probably has PTSD."

"You don't even know where Bucky is," said Clint the practical.

"What other clothing stores are there here?" asked Steve, stopping and looking at a map in the mall. "Charlotte Russe. That one sounds good. Let's go there."

So we headed there. But when we found it, we were rather shocked.

"Um..." said Clint. "You should have guessed, Steve, that a store called Charlotte Russe woudl be women's clothes."

"Well, I was thinking it was along the lines of Vera Wang," he protested. "They make great suits."

We backed away quickly and headed to the other end of the mall.

On the way, though, something caught my eye.

"Wilson," I said shrewdly. "No one has ever seen the Santa Claus before, have they?"

"No," said Sam absent-mindedly.

"I have been the first!" I said triumphantly, pointing to a very fat man that sat with a little boy on his lap.

"That's a fake Santa," said Steve.

"Do you want a picture with him?" Clint snorted.

"Yes," I said.

Clint may or may not have guffawed. If he did, it was disguised as a cough.

"Why not?" said Steve, shrugging. "He'll ask if you've been bad or good, so I hope you have a lie prepared."

I always have a lie prepared.

"What do you want for Christmas this year?" asked the fake Santa.

"Your heart with a sprig of holly through it," I said affably.

Santa looked taken aback.

"You are an impostor," I declared loudly. "Children, do not listen to this crazy old man and his claims to be Santa Claus!"

"Um, Loki, let's go," said Steve urgently, dragging me away. Apparently the mall security people were starting to show up.

"Hey, there are shirts in here," said Steve, pointing to a dark room that said Hot Topic in bold letters. I think he was really just trying to hide from security.

"What is this?" I said, holding up a black shirt with gold lettering. "'Always be Yourself. Unless you can be Loki. Then, always be Loki.' I like it."

"It costs twenty bucks, Loki," said Steve.

"So?" I said.

Steve sighed. "Well, if you like it..."

The Avengers are nicer than I thought.

We left Hot Topic, pulling Clint by his ear (he had gotten distracted by a Hawkeye bobblehead). Then we went to Journey to get some shoes.

"Converse are cool," said Clint.

"No, they're ugly," said Sam.

"At least they won't fall off," said Steve.

I thought they were cool, too, so I bought a fifty dollar pair of red high top Chuck Taylors.

"How about Hollister?" said Sam. "Are your pants leather?"

"What of it?" I said roughly.

"That is so eighties," he said, shrugging. "You should get some skinny jeans."

"Do they come in black?" I asked.

So I bought some jeans at Hollister's.

"Aeropostale has some nice plaid shirts," said Steve. "That's good ol' American style."

"I don't like Amer-"

I couldn't finish because Sam and Cint both slammed their hands over my mouth.

"He doesn't like it when people talk bad about America," Clint warned me.

So I bought a plaid shirt from Aeropostale.

"Are we done yet?" I asked boredly, dragging my bags along the floor as we left the shop.

"No," said Steve, glancing at his watch. "We have an hour left for you to buy us all Christmas presents, and buy lunch."

"Chick-Fil-A?" I said eagerly. Thor had taken me there once on a date with Jane when he couldn't get a babysitter for me.

"Chick-Fil-A discriminates against birds," said Clint. "Ooooh..."

He had gotten distracted again by Claire's.

"That's a girl store," said Sam. "A tween girl's store. What on earth, bird bro?"

"It's an earing," said Clint. "An arrow earing."

"For girls," Sam said again.

"It's got a cuff," said Clint.

"IT'S FOR GIRLS," said Sam.

"It's perfect," said Clint, and bought it.

"I hope that's a present for Tasha," said Sam.

"I don't know. I'm getting attached to it already."

Sam rolled his eyes.

"Loki," said Steve, "we're all parting ways to buy presents. You will behave yourself and not do anything bad, or you will be in huge trouble and have to spend Christmas in a cage."

"Okay," I said innocently. I knew exactly what I would be spending my time doing.

We met up again for lunch in the food part of the mall.

"I want Chick-Fil-A," I said, but no one listened.

"Pizza," said Steve.

"Ice cream," said Clint.

"Kabobs," said Sam.

"Cinnabuns," said Steve.

"Chinese," said Clint.

"Pretzels," said Sam.

"Is this like rock paper scissors?" I asked boredly.

"There's a new Avengers rule," said Steve.

"Who gets to make Avengers rules?" asked Sam.

"I do," said Steve. "Whenever we can't agree on what to eat, we go with pizza."

This was finally (though reluctantly) agreed on, and we ordered two large (Midgardians are so fat).

"OOOOW!" howled Sam, leaping from the chair he had just sat upon. "There's a tack- what kind of evil person would have-"

Slowly the three turned and looked at me. I whistled innocently.

"LOKI!"

"NOT AGAIN!"

"I'M THROWING AWAY THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT I GOT YOU!"

* * *

 _Author's Note: Why DID he get me a Christmas present in the first place?_

 _the avengette- Okay, Lily says she's going to go stalk you on Pinterest now. XD And that game sounds fun! What exactly is it? An online game? And yes, Lily loooooves Captain America. *eyeroll* P/N: *pushes Loki aside* I LOVE CAP! TEAM CAP! HE'S MY HERO! HIGH FIVE FOR CAP FANS! A/N: See what I mean?  
DeVilDahling- What is this "polyvore" that you speak of? P/N: It's complicated, Loki. Maybe I'll show you sometime. A/N: I think I like this idea, though...  
Maniac at Midnight- O.o I hope the stress lessens... Tell your sister she is awesome. Anyone who likes me is awesome. And tell her I AM VERY REAL TOO.  
aschi49- I am finally able to type your name without looking back at it fifty times to make sure I'm spelling it right. ^-^ And thanks for the blankets. The cell was cold as Jotunheim. D: But I'm out now, so it's all good. Nat actually brought me some soup, to my surprise, but SHE can't cook worth anything, either. I threw it at the guard. EHEHEHEHE That trick is nasty! But I heard of a worse one with Vaseline: put it on the toilet seat. IT'S SO EVIL. EHEHEHE  
RussianAssassin- We'll see. Lily already has the story going, but she may add it just for you. :) AND BUCKY IS AWESOME. The more people tell me of this Russian villain, the more I like him. *Cap from the other room* HE'S NOT RUSSIAN *Me* WHAT? *Cap* HE'S AMERICAN. HE JUST WORKED FOR THE RUSSIANS _* _me* Same difference!  
Elessar's Daughter- YES. Hear that, Lily? Yeah, she's really timid and hates even looking at people because she's afraid they'll see her. -_-  
Guest- HEY! Jane Foster is really cute. I like her. And she slaps reaaaaally well. P/N: SHUT UP LOKI I SHIP YOU WITH DARCY! A/N: What is a "ship"? I mean, you don't really _ship _us, do you? I don't understand...  
lotrfangirl16- Now I am REALLY confused... o.o  
LadyOfAnfalas- I would if I could, but I am not able. It was Fury's cage. And my powers are lessened here. Ugh. But I am out now! Yay!_

 _And thank you, Slythgurl12 for following the story! :)_

 _See you tomorrow! Hope you're liking my adventures!_


	13. Somebody on Me

**Somebody Snitched on Me**

 _Author's Note: Apparently Midgardian peasants have an obsession with covering themselves in snow. I do not understand. At least the cold doesn't bother me, anyway._

 _Publisher's Note: LOKI! NO QUOTING THAT MOVIE_

 _Author's Note: Eheheh!_

 _Publisher's Note: He knows I hate it._

* * *

"We really need to get out and enjoy this snow," said Pepper energetically. "It's going to all melt if we don't hurry."

Tony groaned dramatically from where he was buried under sofa cushions.

"Come on, it will be fun!"

"What is the meaning of 'fun' if there is no internet?" he said, flopping halfheartedly.

"Ignore him," said Pepper, pulling on her coat. "Who wants to sled?"

I guess Tony likes sledding, because he leaped up (sending cushions flying) and joined us outside.

"Let's make a train!" said Thor. "Or were we going to race?"

"Both," said Tony. "Both is good."

"No Stark Technology-powered sleds," said Pepper.

"But-"

"No."

"Do we have enough sleds?" asked Wanda. She sat on a small red one and Pietro stood behind her.

"No having Pietro push you, either," said Pepper. "That is totally cheating!"

"Ehehehehe," I said. I was coming up with a plan. These Midgardians might think I had no chance of winning, but what did they know?

We lined up the sleds in a row on top of the hill.

"No one start until I say go!" said Pepper. "Ready, set-" and she shoved off.

"HEY!" everyone shouted, and followed her as quickly as possibly.

"This sled stinks!" said Pietro. "I could walk faster!"

"No one said I couldn't use our new friction resistant e-z slide plastic Stark Sled," said Tony, zipping past me.

"It's like a tobogan," said Steve, spinning wildly on his shield, but still going faster than me.

"Come on," I urged, jerking at the steering bar of my flexible flyer. But I was going to be too late. Already, Sam, Tony, Steve, Tasha, and Wanda were nearing the finish line. Time for my little surprise.

Suddenly, in front of the foremost contestants loomed a rope across their paths. It was going to knock them off their sleds! With a shout, they dove off in different directions, barely missing it. The abandoned sleds skimmed past the finish line, riderless, followed by me, sitting serenely on my own.

The rope had only been a projection.

"What on earth?" said Nat.

"Don't try mind tricks on me again!" yelled Wanda.

"That doesn't count as winning," said Thor (who was still only half-way down the hill).

"Cheater," said Pepper.

"NO ONE MAKES STEVE LOSE!" yelled a blur of silver and black. It grabbed me by the throat.

"Bucky?" gasped Steve.

"Cheaters," yelled Bucky, "don't get ANYTHING for Christmas!"

* * *

 _Author's Note: Yeah, yeah, really short chapter this time. Maybe I don't like this "Bucky" so much after all._

 _TimeyWimeyINTJ- Yeah, Lily has one too, so we match. :) Hot Topic is a really cool store, although it's super creepy the first time you walk in. And they play loud ugly music.  
Maniac at Midnight- I know! NO BODY TAKES MY SPEAR! P/N: They, um, well they did... A/N: NOBODY takes my spear TWICE!  
RussianAssassin- We're going Christmas caroling later this month. -_- I don't think I want to, but no one asked my opinion. Let's see, I like "Let it Snow". And I don't know if you've heard it, but The White Winter Hymnal. It talks about heads falling off and stuff. P/N: I have no idea what that song means. Does anyone else know? It DOES seem to be talking about heads falling off...  
DeVilDahling- Lily says she lives near DC and was really disappointed that her mall (the Apple Blossom Mall) wasn't the one Steve and Nat hid in in TWS. XD It's a small mall though. I'll have to research this "polyvore"...  
the avengette- P/N: Yes! Fellow Christian! *another high-five* That's awesome! ^-^ Looking forward to your many pins! I haven't followed you yet, haven't really been on Pinterest much in the past few days. But since today's Sunday I'll probably have more time! Maybe? HOpefully? XD A/N: Can I have that chocolate, Lily? Ahem. Anyhow. I want to join this Pinterest also. AND THAT GAME SOUNDS FUN LILY GET IT FOR ME ON YOUR EYE PHONE P/N: *sigh* I'll try to get it Loki, if it doesn't cost a lot... It does sound fun! A/N: I MUST HAVE  
aschi49- CAP IS BEST CAP IS BEST THAT'S ALL I EVER HEAR ANYMORE. I am the best Avenger! P/N: That was directed at ME, Loki. Cap IS the best. P/N: Hmph. Ah yes. I'm your favourite character. Thats better. :) D: Good luck on finals! Lucky Lily is graduated, and before that she was homeschooled, but now she's really worried about college. She's starting next year. At just the mention of Finals she's hiding under her bed. She has a deathly fear of them. _

_See you tomorrow! Merry Christmas! Can't wait! Etc.! I'm just really tired okay_


	14. I Tied a Knot in Tasha's Hair

**I Tied a Knot in Tasha's Hair**

 _Author's note: The more I see of these Midgardian motion pictures, the more I think that Asgard should really up it's movie game._

* * *

"Bucky?" said Steve. "What... what..."

"Uh, yeah, I just wanted to tell you alive and I'm about to join you in _Civil War._ "

"Uh..."

"Okay, then," said Bucky, rubbing his hands together uncomfortably. "I'll just be going then..."

"WAIT!" said Steve, and ran and gave Bucky a hug. I rolled my eyes. "I haven't seen you in forever," said Steve, sniffling.

"I'm bored," said Tony.

"We should watch a movie," said Tasha.

" _It's a Wonderful Life_ ," said Tony eagerly.

"Tony, you know very well that we don't have that," said Pepper.

"But we could get it on netflix!"

"No, that takes wifi," said Pepper. "And you aren't allowed to use the wifi."

"The wifi that I'm paying for," Tony grumbled.

"No, we should watch _Scrooge_ ," said Clint. "It's a classic."

"I've never seen it," said Steve, finally realizing that a conversation was going on around him. "Bucky, have you seen it?"

"It's the story of _A Christmas Caro_ l but it's a musical," Clint explained.

"A musical?" said Tony. "Nooo!"

"You have no taste," said Clint. "Musicals are great."

"We should do an Avengers musical!" said Thor loudly. Everyone groaned.

"Let's just start the movie," said Tasha. "Do we have it?"

"I have a VCR of it!" said Clint brightly. Everyone groaned again.

"Well, since no one else will pick anything," said Clint, "I'm turning it on."

"I didn't know I even had a VCR player," said Tony, as Clint stuck the movie in.

I sighed. Not another movie made by puny mortals. They always make me jealous of Midgard and its film abilities.

* * *

"Cookie break," said Nat, switching off the tv. "Loki, are you crying?"

What can I say? I found that I identified with the protagonist a lot.

"No," I sniffled. "Gods don't cry."

"I cried when you died," said Thor, who likes to give me guilt trips.

"Puny god," was all I could say.

Tasha started the movie again.

Now, I hadn't been pranking anyone all day, and my fingers itched for mischief. I happened to be sitting next to Bucky. And he had a metal arm...

"WHAT IN STALIN'S NAME IS THIS?" roared Bucky, tearing at his arm.

"My Little Pony!" squealed Thor. "That's my FAVOURITE TV show!"

"Loki, did you do this?" frowned Steve. "Why would you think it's funny to stick ponies all over Bucky's arm?"

"Uh... it's magnetic?" I said.

"You're so immature," sighed Natasha. I glared at her.

"I'll let this pass," said Steve, "but only because I'm in a really good mood since Bucky is here."

"Um, actually, I should probably go now," said Bucky, standing up. "I have Russian things to do."

"Nooo!" said Steve, but I had stopped paying attention. I was glaring at Natasha still. She's called me _immature._ How could she? She'd pay...

 _Half an hour later..._

" _Thank ya very much_!" sang Clint loudly, doing a little jig. "I told you this movie was great!"

"It wasn't bad," Tony admitted. "For a musical."

"I fear I shall need a night light tonight," said Thor. "I don't like ghosts."

"Don't worry," said Pietro. "It's not Christmas Eve yet."

"Well," said Tasha, stretching. "I wouldn't call it a complete waste of an evening." She stood up.

Or tried to. Only to find that her hair had been tied to her chair.

"Oww!" she shrieked. "Who did this? Clint?"

"Of course not," said Clint, offended. "I only pulled your hair once. And I was mind controlled at the time, by..."

Everyone turned towards me.

"It was just a prank!" I protested, as Nat rushed at me angrily, dragging the chair behind her.

"Prank or not, I know someone who's not getting any presents from _me_ this Christmas!"

* * *

 _Author's Note: Hey all! Christmas will be a bleak time for me, apparently. No presents. But YOU will all get me some, right? RIGHT?_

 _DeVilDahling- Actually there's a video on YouTube with "Reindeers are better than people" but with ME instead of Kristoff and Sven. :) It's pretty funny.  
RussianAssassin- Whenever I go "ehehehe" Lily's sister's cat runs away like a streak of black lightning. See, watch- EHEHEHE! There she goes. -_-  
lotrfangirl16- ehehehe Well I could always find some way of twisting it so that I can blackmail you with it instead! EHEHEH!  
LadyOfAnfalas- Thanks! That WAS a pretty fun one... }:D  
Elessar's Daughter- Yes. I can use my powers for evil even on Midgard without killing millions! ^-^ I'm so accomplished. That contest sounds really fun to watch! Next time we do one, I'll be in the audience creating snowballs for people to dodge. }:)_

 _Thanks guys! You're so much nicer than the Avengers!_


	15. Somebody

**Somebody Snitched on Me**

 _Author's Note: These mortals party all the time, I swear. How do they stand it? I get a headache just being around too many people for too long. But they have to have constant parties and such. Drives me mad._

* * *

There was to be a party at the Avengers complex, and far too many people had been invited.

"I had to invite Fury and Coulson, of course," said Pepper, writing names on a piece of paper. "And Hill, too. Then there's Jane, and Clint's family-"

"The kids can't stay up late, so only my wife will be coming," said Clint.

"Are you inviting Bruce?" asked Nat eagerly.

"Are you inviting Bucky?" asked Steve eagerly.

"I don't know either of their addresses at the moment, so no," said Pepper. "But out of courtesy I've invited your parents, Thor."

"Oh no," I said. I buried my head in my hands.

"But my mother is dead," said Thor.

"Well, technically, so was I," I said. Thor was silent.

"Odin won't come," I added thoughtfully. "Not after all the effort he put into getting me out of the way for the month."

"I suppose Selvig ought to come. And Darcy," said Pepper.

"Don't forget Peter Parker," said Tony.

"Tony! Last time he came, he left fingerprints on all my windows!"

"Are you sure you have to invite Fury? He's such a party pooper," said Rhodie. "Wasn't that exactly the reason you didn't invite him last time?"

"Well," said Pepper, shrugging, "Maria Hill is in Tony's employ now, and if we invite her, we sorta have to invite her hus-" She slapped her hand over her mouth. "Oh!"

"WHAT?" There were startled gasps around the room.

"Never mind," said Pepper quickly.

"Pepper," said the Vision , "that was a level 20 secret! How did you know?"

"For that matter, how did you?" said Pepper accusingly.

"I... um... hacked some stuff," said the Vision uncomfortably.

"Oooh," said Tony. "Let me download it!"

"FORGET EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS," said Pepper. "No one repeat this, or I will kill you."

Even I felt threatened.

"So that's who kicked him out..." muttered Steve.*

* * *

That evening was a rough one for me. Not a moment's peace, that was for sure.

"Come in, Jane," said Pepper, smiling brightly and ushering in that individual. "You're not going to participate in the ugly sweater contest?"

"Oh, I am," said Jane, "but I am certainly not going to put on this horrendously ugly sweater until I absolutely have to."

Selvig had no such concerns.

"Thor!" he said happily, running in and slapping him on the back. "Oh, gosh, I thought he was dead!" He added, seeing me, and looking horrified.

"Sorry to disappoint," I said, trying to sound sarcastic but ending up just sounding hurt.

"SHIELD protocols demand that hostiles be seated at least seven feet from each other," said Coulson to me. "You'll have to move."

"That's a rule?" I asked disbelievingly.

"Since this morning," said Coulson, sipping coffee from a mug with a Captain America shield on it. "I made it myself."

"What is all this?" asked Tony, gesturing to the pile of presents Darcy carried.

"Presents," she said. "Duh."

"Were we supposed to bring presents, Pepper?" asked Tony, panicking.

"Um, no," said Pepper.

"Oh, I thought there was going to be a White Elephant, like you had last year,**" said Darcy. "Oh, and I brought my intern."

"Hi," said Ian, waving- and dropping his pile of presents.

"We decided not to do a white elephant because of the less than satisfactory results of the last one," said Tony, glancing unhappily at Pepper***.

"Okay, well, what do I do with all these presents then?" asked Darcy.

"Hi," said Sharon Carter, walking in and pocketing her automatic.

"What were you doing with that?" asked Tony.

"Your guard wouldn't let us in," she said nonchalantly. Tony gulped. "Oh, I brought a friend," she added. "This is Lillian."

"So that's the girl with the lip piercing," said Sam to me. "Nat keeps matching Steve up with her."

Of course, I was not interested in such idle gossip.

I was too busy looking at one of the presents Darcy had brought. It looked suspiciously like a box of poptarts.

There was no doubt in my mind who it would be for. It's so annoying that Thor is so loud about his likes and dislikes. Whenever anyone thinks of Thor, they think of poptarts. Whenever anyone thinks about poptarts, they think of Thor. They never stop to think that perhaps _I_ like poptarts, too.

"Loki is totally going to win the ugly sweater contest," said Darcy. "Where did you even get that sweater, Loki?"

I looked up from the box of poptarts. "Huh? What?"

"I asked where you got that ugly sweater."

"Ugly?" I frowned down at my sweater. It wasn't ugly! It just happened to be Grinch-green with a bilchsteim on the front.

I looked up again to retort that her _face_ was ugly, but she was already talking to someone else, so I sulked. My gaze returned to the box of what must be poptarts. All I wanted was a little taste...

I created a quick illusion of me just sitting there serenely, and darted over to the present. Slowly I began to peel back the wrapping paper. It was poptarts! I knew it. Poptart boxes are a very distinctive size and shape.

Eagerly I ripped open the box-

POW!

There was a miniature explosion, and I was so surprised that I forgot to cast an illusion.

Everyone turned to look at me and the open poptart box on my lap.

Suddenly Darcy started laughing. "Ehehehe! That was a trick poptart box meant for Thor, Loki! Hahaha!"

I almost smiled. I think I like her.

"Loki, you unwrapped my present!" said Thor, who, although relieved that it hadn't actually happened to him, was really upset that there were no poptarts. "You little thief! I'm not getting you anything for Christmas!"

* * *

*This is all headcanon. SorryForPuttingAReallyCreepyHeadcanonInMyStory :3

**Go read **White Elephant** by _rogue planet 13_.

***I'm serious. Go read it. Part of the 2014 Fan Fiction Christmas Countdown. Which, by the way, you should be reading, along with the 2015 one! It's really good- For the first story, go to _Pip the Dark Lord of All_ 's profile page and it's a Star Trek story. :) You'll enjoy it even if you're not really familiar with Star Trek, though. If you want to know more about the FFCC (this is the second year we're doing it), I have a description on my profile page. It's definitely worth reading!

* * *

 _Author's Note: Lily, could you stop shamelessly advertising? P/N: NEVER_

 _the avengette- Unfortunately I have not seen any of those films- but I HAVE seen all the Elf memes on Pinterest! ^-^ There are a lot of good gifs useful when you blog. Or so Lily tells me. P/N: THAT IS AWESOME. XD LOL A Christmas Bazaar sounds like fun! Last year we went to the Christmas Parade that is in our small town. It's really fun to watch, but I've never been to a bazaar. A/N: Spell Check is evil. I think he is like the evil second cousin of Jarvis. WHAT IT'S FREE LILY DOWNLOAD IT NOW RIGHT NOW I WANT IT  
Maniac at Midnight- Ehehehe... *nervous laughter* I try. Have you noticed that most of this isn't actually pranking, it's just misunderstandings! Like, I wasn't TRYING to get Thor mad at me today...  
aschi49- Oh no! Good luck with finals. Ed Sheeran is awesome, isn't he? Not quite my favourite singer, but I like him a lot. P/N: His favourite is Imagine Dragons, I think, because he really likes the song Demons. A/N: YOU'RE SPILLING ALL MY SECRETS  
RussianAssassin- That is a wonderful name for a kitty. Have you seen the Lokitty memes running around? _

_Thanks rbavenger for following and favourite-ing! I'll be back! :)_


	16. I Did a Dance on Pepper's Plants

**I Did a Dance on Pepper's Plants**

 _Author's Note: This time, it really wasn't my fault. Just goes to show you that I get blamed for everything. No matter how hard I try, I can never be good enough. So that's why I'm just always bad. It's much easier and simpler._

* * *

"The snow is going to melt soon," said Clint, looking out the window. "We should take advantage of it while it lasts."

"You know, there's not a single snowman out there yet," said Pietro. "We should build some."

"And do snow angels," said Wanda.

"And build a fort," said Tony.

"Let's do this thing!" said Thor.

And so the six of us headed outside to frolic in the snow. I was happier than usual, because snow makes me feel like I'm back in Jotunheim, tricking my dad. Or reminds me of when I went to Berlin and blew things up. All good memories.

"Clint, that is so creepy!" said Wanda, pointing to Clint's array of snow people. He had made them appear to be crawling towards the front door of the complex, and they looked extremely realistic.

"Art," was all Clint said.

"Zombies?" asked Pietro.

"ART," said Clint.

"Look, I made an angel!" said Wanda proudly. "Can you do that, Loki?"

But since I had my helmet on, my angel looked more like a demon.

So I tried to build a snowman instead. It was almost complete when Thor rushed past, pushing a snowball in front of him.

"Watch out!" I yelled, but it was too late. The giant snowball crashed into my snowman (well, snow Loki- and it looked very realistic!) and its head fell off.

"Thor!" I shouted, but he shrugged.

"Sorry, Loki."

I was too annoyed to start over again, so I went to help Tony build a snow fort.

"It's going to be magnificent," he said, patting his pile of snow. "And afterward we can have the others ambush us and we'll fight them off!"

We spent a long time building it, but finally it was done. We high-fived.

"Start making snowballs, Loki," he said. "I'll go attack the others and start a war."

He ran off, packing his snowball as he went, and I began to gather ammunition.

"AAAAAAH!" shrieked Tony, and I risked a glance over the top of our fort. He was being chased by Thor, Wanda, and Clint. Pietro was already caught up to him and was pelting him with snowballs. Tony rushed into the fort and sat down, panting.

"Be ready to open fire," he gasped.

I was more than ready. Ehehehe!

"You dare threaten the mighty Loki with so puny a weapon?" I yelled, flinging rock-hard snowballs at our attackers. Wanda screamed and shielded her head, but they kept coming.

"You puny mortals forget that I am a frost giant!" I cackled, and leaped from the fort, flinging ice at them.

"THAT'S CHEATING!" they yelled, but they dispersed rapidly.

"Take that!" I said, running after them. Then I collapsed on the snow.

"Good work, my young apprentice," said Tony, sauntering up. "If you keep this up, you will make a great fort defender yet!"

"They underestimated my power," I smirked.

"I'm so glad Pepper isn't here," Tony commented, flopping down next to me. "She'd probably yell at us for getting the snow dirty or somethi-"

"YOU'RE STEPPING ON MY PLANTS!"

Pepper stomped towards us- I don't know how (I mean, seriously; how does one stomp in high heels? And in the snow?)- with a very angry frown. "That is where I planted my azaleas! Now they'll be dead next spring!"

"Um... sorry?" said Tony.

"I'M not sorry," I said.

I should have thought that one through.

"YOU," shouted Pepper, pelting me with snow, "UNGRATEFUL... WRETCH! I AM GETTING YOU NOTHING FOR CHRISTMAS!"

* * *

 _Author's Note: I'm sorry for being so late in posting today. Pepper made me work really hard at washing dishes as punishment._

 _rbavenger- Excuse ME? HOW DARE YOU? I HAVE FROZEN SNOWBALLS SO WATCH OUT MORTAL  
the avengette- I feel you! Notice that _I _am not allowed to have an account, either, being a professional villain and all. Lily's sister has your problem, too. It's rather sad. But you guests are appreciated too! And when you do get a real account, you should keep the name. :) P/N: *whispers* My favourite is Thor, too, but don't tell Loki! A/N: What? Ehehehe, I hate it when people don't get my wonderful references! It happens all the time. And no one was impressed when I got Tony's Star Wars reference today. It's annoying. I have lived on Asgard my whole life, and yet I get that reference. I should get special treatment. I'm glad you were able to teleport back!  
Maniac At Midnight- Merry Christmas back! When it finally arrives. Can't wait, honestly. Then I'll finally be able to go home and plague father again. :) It's going to be awesome.  
RussianAssassin- Hehehe! That is a good name for it. XD  
aschi49- OMG ME TOO! All their songs go so well with me and my tragic backstory! Why is that? I feel you! I get anxiety too. Maybe I should listen to Ed Sheeran more... Again, good luck with finals! I hope you did well! Math isn't my strong point, either. Well, Fury and Hill MIGHT be married... that's highly classified. If Fury found out that I put this on the internet, he'd have an epileptic fit! Don't tell.  
Elessar's Daughter- Oh yes he does. Hehe. He calls himself a "Brony" and everything. When I learn to cast long-distance projections, I'll reenact the whole scene for you. :) It was horribly embarrassing, though. :(  
TimeyWimeyINTJ- Yeah, Lily thinks the same thing. Parties always sound fun, but they're really not. Now if you talk to my crossover friend Thranduil, he'll tell you differently. Darcy is really cool, I have to admit. I wonder - Is Ian her boyfriend or just her intern? Hmmm... _

_Thanks for reading, guys! And thank you, the avengette, for_ wanting _to follow! XD_


	17. Climbed Potts Tower and Tore my Pants

**Climbed Potts Tower and Tore my Pants**

 _Author's Note: Another one of those incidents where nothing was my fault. Blamed for everything, that's me. I was merely trying to be helpful!_

* * *

The Avengers complex was very quiet. Too quiet. Most everyone was out Christmas shopping, and I was bored.

I wandered into the kitchen and snuck some of Thor's poptarts, but I was still bored.

I went to my room and threw Thor's clothes on the floor (well, the few garments of his that weren't _already_ on the floor), but I was still bored.

I snuck to Tony's car and keyed "Loki'd" on it, but I was still bored.

So when Pepper said, "Does anyone want to give me a hand?" I didn't mind that she decided that I had volunteered (I hadn't; there was just no one else in the building).

We got into her (very nice) car and started towards the newly-erected Potts Tower. "What I want you to do," she said, "is climb with this-" She held up a big ball of red and white plastic- "to the roof of the tower, and set it up. Then you'll inflate it and tada! Nice Christmas decoration."

"Are you joking?" I said, sneering.

"Aren't you the all-powerful Loki?"

What could I have possibly said to that?

That is how I found myself climbing the tower, Tom Cruise-style, with the plastic thing held in between my teeth.

It is much harder than it sounds, I promise. When I finally got to the top, I was soaked in sweat, panting for air, and red in the face. And I'm a demigod. I flopped down on the roof and lay there gasping for several minutes.

A strange noise began emanating from my pocket, and I remembered that Pepper had lent me a phone. I picked it up and cautiously tapped the green phone button.

"Hello?" I said.

"Are you up there yet?" asked Pepper impatiently. I could almost hear her foot tapping on the pavement a hundred of feet below.

"Yes," I said, puffing out my chest.

"Well, you need to start setting up the thing," she said. "See all the ropes connected to it? You need to fasten them down somehow."

It took me another hour to tie all the ropes down. "Can I come down now?" I whined.

"No, you need to inflate it," said Pepper.

"What?"

"Blow into the hole until it's inflated."

"What?"

"What do you not understand about 'blow'?" said Pepper testily.

"You want me to inflate the whole thing? With my LUNGS?"

Pepper was silent for a minute. "Well, you are a god, aren't you?"

"Demi-god," I corrected humphily, but I began to blow the thing up.

It was dark before I finished the job. I staggered to the edge of the building. And realized something.

I did not have the strength to climb back down.

"Pepper, call a helicopter," I said into the phone. But the battery had died.

I whimpered and collapsed in a heap. There was nothing for it. I'd have to at least try, and if I died, I died.

"It has been a good life," I said sentimentally, placing my hand on my heart. Then I let myself over the edge of the roof.

I was right about not having enough strength to make it back down again. I yelped when my grip loosened and I began sliding down the tower.

I think I screamed all the way down. I didn't stop screaming when I landed in a smushed bundle at the base of the tower.

"MY BONES ARE BROKE!" I shrieked.

"Loki?!" said Cap, coming around the corner. He looked me up and down for a moment, frowning. "Are those the NEW pants I JUST BOUGHT for you?!"

I looked down. My jeans were ripped. Tattered. Definitely ruined.

"I spent money on those!" said Cap. "Count that as your Christmas present this year, because I'm not getting you another one!"

* * *

 _A/N: *sigh* They were a nice pair of pants... I think this was revenge for stepping on Pepper's plants._

 _rbavenger- Actually, Stark had no idea the azaleas were there, either. In fact, he felt so sorry for me (he says Pepper is like that a lot) that he forgave me for keying up his car, too.  
Maniac at Midnight- WHY IS EVERYONE SUDDENLY MAD AT ME FOR SOME REASON? You don't understand. All the avengers hate me! You people are the only people... *sniff* who understand... *sniff* the real me! Why would you want to destroy my poor life?  
aschi49- Wait, is Maroon 5 the one that does Payphone? Or am I completely mixed up? I feel like I've heard a song by them, though. Lily's sister loves Monster and showed it to Lily, who now loves it too. It's a good song. My favourite is still Demons, though. :) Eh, I always think of horrible things to do to people hours after it's too late. It's annoying. :(  
DeVilDahling- I am not that nice. Pepper does not deserve puppies! And um also I don't have any midgardian money. :(  
RussianAssassin- I already stuck magnets to his arm. He beat me up afterwards. And he hasn't shown up again. I think he hates me. Thanks for the caramels! Lily stole half of them.  
Elessar's Daughter- HE IS A BRONY. Ask him yourself. XD Thor won the ugly sweater contest when he pulled on an orange one in a nineties style with green reindeer on it.  
MOSObsessed- P/N: Actually he had a very good reason! And if he didn't, we would never get this story. Poor Odin. He's underrated, too. After all, he saved Loki's life. A/N: LALALA I AM NOT LISTENING  
the avengette- Haha now I am always going to call Thor my favourite idiot. No, maybe my least favourite. Depends on the day, I guess. LOL I never thought about LIke A Boss that way before. You must get a lot of snow in your area. Lily hasn't gotten snow where she lives yet. She is really frustrated. She wants a White Christmas very badly. Lily likes to act out memes too. She likes the DO ALL THE THINGS one, if you know what that is, and she always tries to act out troll faces like the one that says LOOOOOOL really loud. It looks really weird if you're not familiar with the troll faces. XD HAHA nice mustache, Julia! Okay that sounded weird. XD ahem. What do you mean by "cameo"? Like a cameo picture? OR do you mean I should make a cameo in Civil War? P/N: YES I will happily explain the fandoms to you! Lord of the Rings is especially awesome. When I can find you on pinterest I'll message you. Which Julia Davis is you? XD I think you would love Lord of the Rings- although the book is long and hard to get through. Some people think the movies are boring, too, but I don't think so. THEY ARE AWESOME. This is my favourite fandom after Doctor Who. Be prepared to hear fangirling. XD A/N: She fangirls all the time. :P  
_

 _Thanks Sounduser for following this story! :)_


	18. Filled Thor's Poptart Box with Ants

**Filled Thor's Poptart Box with Ants**

 _Author's Note: Yes, of course I had recovered the ants from my earlier pranks. Why would I waste them? That would be ridiculous!_

* * *

"There's nothing cozier than a warm fire when the weather outside is frightful," said Wanda.

It was just a few of us tonight. Most of the guys had gone out for drinks (I wasn't invited because Thor said that I wasn't allowed to drink- but the others made him stay and watch me, which was some consolation), so the women were having some kind of girl thing. They'd invited Sharon Carter, Maria Hill, and Jane Foster over, and were making popcorn over the fire.

"My mom's hanging out with her boyfriend. If only I had a home to go to for Christmas," said Jane angstily.

"You may someday," said Thor awkwardly.

"Be glad," said Maria, sipping hot chocolate. "Sometimes men can get really annoying. Enjoy being free while you are."

"Yeah, imagine having to live with Tony 24/7," said Pepper. She ripped a bag of chestnuts open.

"I once dated a guy," said Sharon. "Pepper spray comes in really handy."

"Another friend of mine recommends a taser," said Jane.

"I don't like this conversation," said Thor.

Neither did I. There is nothing more boring that listening to inane women talk about dates. So I went to find mischief to do.

"Ouch!" I yelped, smacking at my arm. I pulled up my sleeve and found an ant who had been busy biting me. "I'd forgotten about you," I said to him. "Did you and your friends get out?"

I went into my room, and sure enough, ants were spilling out of the jar I kept them in.

"This won't do," I said. "It's a waste of good ants!"

So I dumped them in Thor's poptarts.

"He'll never know who did it," I snickered, tiptoeing away.

There was a sudden and unexpected POW! behind me. I whirled around me.

"Hi," said the man who had magically appeared. "I'm Ant-Man."

I think I stood with my mouth agape for a minute straight. At least, long enough for Thor and the others to get to the kitchen. Apparently they had hear the poptart box burst.

"WHO?" asked Thor.

"Ant-Man," said the dude. "Loki locked me in a jar for days. I'm starving! Can I eat these poptarts?"

"Loki?" said Thor, turning to me with a very angry look on his face.

"I didn't know that Ant-Man was with his little ant buddies!" I said. Honestly, I found Ant-Man to be super cool. I had read all the comics. To think that I had owned him for days! How cool is that?

"But you put ants in my poptarts!" said Thor, his voice slowly getting louder. "HOW DARE YOU? NO CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR YOU!"

* * *

 _Publisher's Note: Sorry, guys, I'll have to answer your reviews today. Loki has the sniffles and I have them too, but since I am the less wimpy of the two of us, he's made me do all the work. Plus, he's really mad that his reviewers are vanishing. }:{_

 _rbavenger- Loki agrees. He says he deserves three AT LEAST. XD  
RussianAssassin- I love the Pop figures! Sadly, I don't have any yet. Not sure which one to buy first! I'm beginning to really like your cat. :P  
Elessar's Daughter- My sister is stressing over finals, too. She is currently really mad at one of her professors. lol Loki tried to tell Thor about your congratulations without giving away that he's writing down all the happenings over Christmas, but he sort of failed. Thor ended up yelling, "WHAT IS THIS YOU ARE WRITING ABOUT US AND POSTING ONLINE? MAN OF IRON, HELP ME STOP THIS FOUL TRICKSTER!" He's really upset. Hopefully he'll forget about the whole thing soon.  
_

 _Thanks for reviewing, guys! Hopefully Loki will be better tomorrow. Sorry for the short chapter!_


	19. Somebody is snitching

**Somebody Snitched on Me**

 _Author's Note: I'm beginning to really like Midgardian movies. I was actually looking forward to this one, since people had talked about it so much. Did it live up to my expectations? Well..._

* * *

"Hey guys," shouted Tony, running into the room and waving his iphone around in the air. "Guess what? _The Force Awakens_ has gotten the highest tomato rating* of any Star Wars film yet! It's gonna be AWESOME!"

"Wouldn't count on it," said Rhodey the wet blanket from where he sat reading a newspaper.

"I LOVE Star Wars!" said the Vision passionately. "It's so full of aliens and robots!"

"What are you doing with the internet, Tony?" reprimanded Pepper. "Remember your fast?"

"Oh, shut up," said Tony rudely. "It's _Star Wars."_

"When are we going to go see it?" asked Steve. He glanced at his watch. "I'm free tonight!"

"Excellent," said Tony, rubbing his hands together. "Tonight it is."

"I, too, would like to see this motion picture," said Thor. He swung his hammer around in a circle. "The first Wars of the Stars were most entertaining. That earthlings would think that the great outer space is like that amuses me greatly."

"Stop acting so superior," said Jane sniffily. "We science, too."

"Of course, my dear," said Thor, flustered. "Just- Midgardians are a little- _naive_ about some things..."

"I can't wait!" squealed Tony, jumping on the couch. "Did you know that I've seen all the new ones at the theatre?"

"Lucky," muttered Steve, who had been fast becoming a Star Wars fan ever since his emergence from the ice.

"I like the films, too," I commented, but no one listened. "I especially like Obi-Wan," I added, but no one listened again. "Anakin is a jerk," I said at last.

"WHAT?" yelled Natasha. "He is SOOO HOT!"

I could not keep a disgusted look from crossing my features. "He is hideous and creepy and evil. Why would anyone like him?"

"Sounds like somebody I know," said Tony indelicately. I can only assume he was speaking of Thor.

"Master Obi-Wan Kenobi _is_ admittedly a very cool individual," said Thor, sipping his coffee. "I like his- what do you call it- _light saber._ "

"Darth Maul's is cooler," I muttered. No one listened again.

"We'd better start getting ready," said Pepper, slapping her hands together and standing up authoritatively. "Clint, I want paper. Natasha, a pen. Vision, pull up IMDb and find the character list on Star Wars."

"What exactly are we doing now?" I asked boredly. At least, I tried to sound bored.

"We're going to stick all these characters in a hat," said Pepper, scribbling names on small pieces of paper, "and we're each going to pick one to cosplay as."

"Are you serious?" I groaned.

"Pick a name," Pepper ordered Tony.

"I get to be C3-PO!" Tony cheered, waving his paper frantically. "I can just paint my suit gold..."

"I'm Obi-Wan," said Steve happily. "That can't be too hard."

"Yeah, all you need is a brown piece of cloth lying on the ground," I said dryly. No one paid any attention, much less laughed.

"I wanted to be Obi-Wan," pouted Thor.

"You know what," said Clint, "I think I should pick another paper. I got Leia."

"I'll take that one," said Natasha. "Although I hate her guts."

"That means I'll get Padme, right?" said Jane eagerly.

"Who does that leave for me?" frowned Pepper.

"Uh... Queen Amidalla?" said Jane. "Or... Anakin's mom..."

"Ummmm... no," said Pepper decidedly. "I am not going to be someone's mom."

"You can be fem!Vader!" suggested Clint. Natasha facepalmed.

"I got Senator Palpatine," said Thor. "But can I just be Darth Sidious?"

"Okay, now I got Anakin," said Clint. "Nothin' doing. Lemme pick again."

"I'm sorry, there are no archers in Star Wars," said Tony.

"I will be R2-D2," said Vision happily. "I feel we share a special bond."

"You know what," said Clint, after drawing Jar-Jar Binks' name, "I think I'll just go with Darth Maul."

" _I_ wanted Darth Maul," I said grumpily. No one listened.

"Here's your paper, Loki," said Pepper, holding out the last scrap. I took it with a feeling of nameless foreboding.

"Darth Vader?!" I yelled, and threw it across the room. "Of course I get the most boring character in the whole Star Wars universe!"

"Darth Vader is everyone's favourite," said Pepper.

" _Everyone_ dresses as Darth Vader," I groaned. I fell to my knees. "Whyyyyyy?!"

"I think you're perfect for the part," said Tony. "I'll even help you find a costume."

I huffed, but eventually I agreed to this.

* * *

"This is it, guys," said Tony excitedly, and hummed, "I love the smell of Star Wars in the evening..."

"I love theatres," said Thor, practically shaking with excitement. He pulled up his hood and brandished his lightsaber. "How do I look?"

"Like an idiot, and not at all like Count Dooku," I said dryly, and pulled off my helmet. It was really hot.

"You need to practice your Vader voice," said Tony, and slammed down the view screen of his suit. "Pepper, you look awesome."

Pepper had eventually decided to be fem!General Grievous, which looked really weird, but no one dared mention that.

"I'm afraid I don't look like her at all," worried Jane, trying to fix her hair and hold a mirror at the same time. Thor patted her back comfortingly.

"You look just exactly like her," he said encouragingly.

"Are my feet showing?" the Vision hissed to me from inside the trashcan.

"No," I said.

"Beep bip bop," said Vision, as thanks.

"This is the best costume ever," said Steve, whipping out his lightsaber. "Man, if only Bucky were here..."

"Hey, look, it's Director Fury!" said Natasha excitedly. She waved, trying to hold her two hair buns on at the same time.

"What are my Avengers doing at a movie theater?" asked Nick Fury, annoyed. "You all supposed to be working!"

"Hey, everyone has to see Star Wars," Tony protested. "Is that a Mace Windu outfit?"

"Yup," said Nick proudly, and pulled out a lightsaber. It came to life with a soft buzz and everyone ooohed and aaahed. "This is a special Shield prototype," he said.

"Yeah, I helped him with that," said Coulson, who was dressed as Qui-Gon Jinn.

"Hey, look," said Tony, nudging Pepper and pointing to Maria. _"She_ dressed as Anakin's mom."

"The line's finally starting to move," said Natasha, clapping her hands excitedly. "Come on!"

"My ticket is all ready," said Nick, burrowing in his pocket. "Oooh, this is gonna be good!"

"Ticket?" said Tony blankly. Then he gasped. "Tickets! They'll be all sold out!"

"You didn't pre-order tickets?" said Maria, aghast. "You'll never get in!"

"Oh, dear," groaned Pepper. "All this work for nothing!"

"I can't live without my Star Wars!" wailed Thor, throwing himself down on the floor.

"See ya, suckers," said Nick, handing his ticket to the cashier. "I'd also like five boxes of Junior mints..."

"Snap, snap, snap!" said Clint, slamming his double-sided lightsaber on the ground.

"Hey, we can see it tomorrow night," sighed Pepper. "I'll order the tickets."

"At least we all have our costumes ready now!" said the Vision brightly.

"I'm hot in here," I said. "I don't like this costume."

"Darth Vader is the coolest character," said Tony. "You should be happy you get to cosplay him."

"I hate Darth Vader," I muttered.

"What did you say?" asked a random passerby.

"I SAID I HATE DARTH VADER," I shouted.

There were gasps from the Star Wars fans all around.

"HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?!"

"YOU'RE NOT A REAL FAN!"

"OOH, I KNOW SOMEONE WHO SANTA ISN'T GOING TO BRING ANY PRESENTS TO THIS YEAR!"

* * *

 _Author's Note: Sorry it's so late! You see, I only just got back from the theater. But, I am a little bit happier today. I got a couple more reviews than last time. Thanks, peoples of Midgard! And know, thou evil vermin who neglect to review, that one day I will get my revenge when I rule your puny planet! P/N: Don't take it personally, he gets upset easily! D: A/N: That I do._

 _Julia- I think I finally found you! *claps* Cyber school sounds like fun. Lily does something like that- she likes Khan Academy to do stuff online. I REALLY WANT THAT TO HAPPEN in Civil War! I mean, I really should get a guest appearance because I'm everyone's favourite character! Plus, they really need Pietro to say he walked it off. It's the promise of the premise! Come on, Marvel, get a move on it! YEAH. Where Lily lives it's supposed to be in the 50s too. She's in Virginia. She has this thing that she's disappointed that the Winter Soldier wasn't actually set during winter. It would be cool to see DC in the snow and everything.  
Maniac at Midnight- *sniffs condescendingly* NOBODY. Kicks my you-know-what. Not ANYBODY. Never. But I will happily kick yours if you dare insult me again. P/N: Loki, be nice. A/N: I DO WHAT I WANT.  
aschi49- I love Payphone! XD But I listen to a cover of it instead of Maroon 5 because their's has some bad words in it. I don't think I listen to any other of their stuff; maybe I should look them up. I have a whole "Running" playlist, but do I ever run? Nah. lol I haven't seen Rise of the Guardians, but it is definitely on my watch list! I really like How to Train Your Dragon and Megamind by Dreamworks, so I think I'd like it a lot. :) hehe Lily has to see family the day after Christmas, and although they're all nice and all, she gets nervous because some of them are weird, and they're all older than her, and things get awkward easily. YES CONGRATULATIONS! Go you! XD That is awesome. XD Ehhh... I specialize in _projections. _I can't conjure up whatever I want, unfortunately. I could have projected a slide, but then when I tried to slide down, things would have gone badly. O.o Meh, no problem. Thanks for reviewing! :D OH AND I HAVE READ THE MAZE RUNNER. IT IS SO PAINFUL. OKAY OKAY NEWT IS MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER OKAY AND I HAVE DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS OF PAIN READING THAT TRILOGY. But I hated the prequel. I want to read the next one though. Oh you gotta see Ant-Man. It's awesome. It's out on DVD now so hopefully you can watch it soon! Redbox, maybe? It's not that expensive to rent on Redbox, if you have one nearby. I'm trying to get some to Asgard. I have not seen the Maze Runner movies yet, but I really want to. I love Thomas Brodie-Sangster, which is another reason I love Newt. Hang on, that was Lily typing over my shoulder. I think she has a crush on a certain person...  
Elessar's Daughter- Hehehehe. Yes, yes, I am having very much fun composing this song. Sing it and annoy everyone, by all means! It's nice to know that my influence is causing mayhem all over the globe! }:)  
DeVilDahling- Lily wishes that, too. But you have to remember that I am the mighty Loki, and everyone loves me. :) It makes all the difference. Maybe if you become an evil villain, too... _

_Thanks, guys! Have any of you seen the Force Awakens yet? NO SPOILERS! I'm still waiting to watch it! XD_


	20. All the Avengers are Mad

**All the Avengers are Mad**

 _I'm getting nothing for Christmas_

 _All the Avengers are mad_

 _I'm getting nothing for Christmas_

 _'Cause I ain't been nothing but bad_

 _Author's Note: Sorry, so sorry about not posting yesterday. It was wild. Shopping. Parties. Avengers. Crazy life, right? I'll post double today to make up for it. I really am sorry! D:_

* * *

"Marley was dead," Steve read aloud.

It had been a quiet and boring day with nothing interesting going on. In fact, I hadn't done a single prank. Inconcievable!

I was just beginning to feel very proud of myself when I accidentally bumped over a coffee mug. And it spilled all over the book we were reading.

"Loki!" said Clint. "That was a really nice copy! You'll have to pay for a replacement."

I frowned and crossed my arms. It wasn't exactly my fault!

I was just about to stomp regally from the room when Bucky showed up again.

"Steve!" he yelled. "I need your help!"

I would have rolled my eyes and stomped regally from the room anyhow, except his arm was stuck to a refrigerator. I laughed instead.

"Ehehehe!"

"Shut up Loki, that's not nice," Nat reprimanded, and went to help the pathetic life form.

"Bucky!" yelled Steve, dropping his book and running to his friend. "What have they done to you?"

"Who?" asked Thor.

"Hydra," said Steve.

"Um..." I said. But then I decided against telling them all about how Hydra didn't matter anymore. I'd save that for when I had a whole city hanging on my every word- like Berlin.

"Guys..." said Bucky, standing there awkwardly. "Could you please get this fridge off of me?"

"How did you drag that all the way out here?" asked Tony. "It must weigh a lot."

"I'm stronger than you know," said Bucky.

"A heart of steel starts to grow," sang Tony. "...Nevermind."

"Are there poptarts in there?" asked Thor, opening the refrigerator door.

"We need to finish reading our book," Pepper complained.

"I have another copy," said Clint.

"Um..." I said. Hopefully they wouldn't realize that it was I who just wrote all over Clint's copy...

"WHAT HAS HAPPENED?"

"WHY DOES SCROOGE HAVE A MASSIVE MUSTACHE?"

"LOKI?"

"NO CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!"

* * *

 _...And I'll be replying to comments in the next chapter! Be right back! :)_


	21. But you Better Watch Out

**But You Better Watch Out**

 _Author's Note: Though I say it who shouldn't, I have a wonderful singing voice. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Not even Thor. He has no room to talk. He sings in his sleep and it sounds terrible._

* * *

"It's your duty as a resident, Loki," said Steve.

We were bundling up to go Christmas carolling, and, needless to say, I did not want to be doing it in the least.

"I hate mortals; why would I want to sing to them?" I said scornfully, as Tasha buttoned my coat.

"That sounds like a good reason to sing to them," snorted Tony.

"Rude," I said. But I let them push me out the door.

"My feet hurt," I said after we had walked a block.

"No complaining," said Pepper. "We're doing this thing whether you want to or not."

When we came to the first little house on the square, there was a large wreath on the door and candles in all the windows.

"Get ready," said Steve excitedly, and he knocked on the door.

"Hark the herald, angels sing!" we bellowed. But after five minutes of no one coming to the door, we gave up.

"I guess they weren't home," said Steve.

"Or they didn't like that a lot of superheroes were stalking them," I said. And I was ignored.

The next house wasn't decorated at all. "I don't know if we should sing here," said Pepper.

"They'll feel left out," said Steve. "Come on!"

"Jingle bells, jingle bells," we bellowed, but when the door opened, a very grinchy figure looked out and yelled,

"SHUT UP!"

So we left hurriedly.

The next house had a NO TRESSPASSING sign out, so we skipped it.

"Are you sure this is the best way to spend our time?" I asked.

"YES," said Tony, and knocked on the next door.

"Angels we have heard on high!" we shrieked.

"Awww, isn't it the sweetest thing, grampa?" asked an old lady of an old man, opening the door and smiling toothlessly at us. "Have some hot chocolate, my dears!"

Maybe Christmas carolling isn't so bad after all.

* * *

It went on for and hour. And another hour. And every time I suggested we go back, someone would say, "We haven't sung _this_ song yet!"

Finally I was completely sick of it.

I had a plan.

An evil plan.

An amazingly evil plan.

* * *

"Finally," gasped Natasha, throwing herself down on the sofa and tossing her scarf across the room.

"Aaah, more hot chocolate," said Tony.

"I want some," said Clint.

"Isn't this just so nice?" said Pepper. "All of us sitting here together, enjoying Christmas cocoa..."

"Ehehehe..." I chuckled.

"It's so nice and cozy," Tasha agreed.

"Eheheheehehehehe," I chortled.

"Just like the feasts in Asgard," Thor agreed.

"EHEHEHEHEH!" I cackled. "LOKI'D! I PUT THE LAST OF THOSE ANTS IN THE COCOA MIX!"

"LOKIIIIIIIIII"

"NOOOO PRESSSEEENNTSSSSS!"

* * *

 _Author's Note:_

 _I need to be quick. Time is getting shorter and shorter nearer Christmas; I hope y'all don't mind me rushing a bit!_

 _FIRST of all, thank you Nienna14 for following the story, and Paula Galtarocha for favourite-ing! You are awesome!_

 _Maniac at Midnight- P/N: Loki refuses to answer you. He's really upset. :( But it's okay, I find it refreshing to know someone who is not a total fangirl of him. Some of his fangirls are a little bit creepy... *ducks*  
Guest- A/N: Obi-Wan is soooo bossss! And Darth Maul is even cooler. He is sooooo cooooool! I can't take the coolness in that franchise aaskdghaslkdjgla;hslg;asldf (I am learning the art of "Fangirling" from Lily)  
Elessar's Daughter- Yes, I promise no spoilers! Even after I see it, I will refrain from spoiling, I promise. Spoiling is evil. Even evill-er than me. I probably won't be able to see it until after Christmas now, anyhow. :(  
LadyOfAnfalas- That's okay. You are pardoned :) Thanks for reviewing! Obviously I have been overly busy, too, neglecting this story a little bit. O.o But I'm back, hopefully to post every day from now on til Christmas!  
Guest- Thank you! And "Quite Possibly" is the best answer to that question ever. ^-^ Thank you for reviewing- *gives cheesy thumbs up* You are awesome! _

_See you tomorrow, hopefully! I AM FINALLY DONE WITH CHRISTMAS SHOPPING CELEBRATE WITH ME_


	22. Whatever You Do

**Whatever You Do**

 _Author's Note: I really shouldn't have bought the Avengers any Christmas presents. They don't deserve them, certainly. Well, maybe they do deserve the ones I'm getting them... hehehehe..._

* * *

"Don't we have any arrow wrapping paper?" asked Clint, rifling through the stash Pepper had brought over. "These are all solid colours."

"Because that's what looks the nicest," said Pepper. "Just slap a bow on it and it looks gorgeous. Can you hand me the silver?"

"Scissors," said Nat.

"I'm saving them," I said, sitting on them. "In case of emergencies."

Natasha laughed. "You'd better hand them here- or do you not remember the last time you got tazed?"

It had been Darcy that time, but I remembered all too clearly. The only thing that kept me from murdering her was her claim that she had also tazed Thor. Now we're actually good friends.

"This is what I'm getting Tony," said Pepper in a very loud whisper. She held up some sort of a new computer game console. "They don't make games for it yet, but I'm sure he'll find a way to use it."

"He'll turn it into a robot," said Clint. "I'm getting him goldbirds."

"As in goldfish? Those actually exist?" said Nat, disbelieving.

"Don't tell, but I'm getting him a fondue pot," said Steve.

"A... fondue pot?" said Pepper.

"Yeah. Apparently that's what you're supposed to get for someone who has everything," said Steve, shrugging. "He'll probably let you borrow it."

"Did you ever tell him that story?" asked Sam.

"About Howard and Peggy?" said Steve. "No. I don't think he'd be that interested. Doesn't he have some sort of grudge against his dad?"

"Nat, cover your eyes," said Clint, dropping the arrow cuff earing he had bought at Claire's into a gift bag. "She's gonna love it," he said in an aside to me.

"What on earth do you give a robot?" asked Steve.

"The Vision? I have no idea," said Pepper, shrugging. "If he's a robot, he won't have hurt feelings if he doesn't get anything, right?"

"Um, I wouldn't count on it," said Clint. "Remember when Jarvis got mad at us for going out for ice cream without him?"

Pepper smirked.

"I'm giving Bucky this special magnet to imbed in his hand," said Steve excitedly. "That way he can grab the shield really easily and he'll be able to throw it almost as well as me!"

"Um, Steve," said Nat, "remember that he's still rogue, and if you give him that you're giving him access to your best weapon. Not to mention you don't even know where he is at the moment."

"Lalala," said Steve, and covered his ears. "Not listening."

"He's in denial," I explained.

"So what are you getting for the twins?" asked Pepper. "They're convenient because since they're twins you can get them both the same present."

"I didn't think of that," said Clint. "Man! Could've saved some money."

"I'm getting them shirts with my shield on them," said Cap.

"Oooh!" said Clint. "I hope you're getting me one too!"

"Well, I already know what we're getting from Coulson," said Pepper. "He always gives us the same thing every year."

"S.H.I.E.L.D. mugs," Steve nodded. "I've got a whole collection of them now."

"Maybe he'll branch out and give us mini Lola toy cars this year," said Clint, holding the tape dispenser between his teeth.

"I'm getting Fury some sunglasses, since he ditched the eyepatch," said Nat.

"Oh, I already replaced his eyepatch," said Pepper. They laughed.

"What are you getting for everyone?" said Steve, turning to me.

"What?" I said, startled. "Nothing. That is, it's a secret. Surprise. Of course!"

"Oh," said Steve suspiciously. "Of course."

"LOKI!" shouted Nat. "YOU'RE SMASHING THAT BOX!"

I looked down to see that I was indeed smashing the box I had been seated on. It happened to be a massive box of poptarts. For Thor, innevitably.

"Now I'll have to buy him something else," moaned Clint. "Loki, nothing for you for Christmas this year!"

* * *

 _Author's Note:_

 _RussianAssassin- Oh no! Did I miss one of your reviews? D: Sorry! It was a mistake, I promise! Hehehehe, the funniest sight was when Bucky came stumbling in with a fridge dragging behind him. XD  
Maniac at Midnight- *sniffs* Apology accepted. It's okay... apparently more people dislike me than I thought. :( P/N: He needs some dislikers in his life. He has too many fans for a homicidal maniac.  
Guest- HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT OH MY GOODNESS HOW POSSIBLY WHAT OH NO YOU DIDNT- A/N: Sorry, Lily loves Obi-Wan to a ridiculous extent. He is definitely her favourite character, and almost mine. I think I like Darth Maul a little better now. Mace Windu would be lame, except that he's Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson is awesomely hilariously bad in those movies. "A Sith... _lord?" _XD I don't know- can't replicate the lame way he said that line in type._

 _Thanks again, guys. I'm sorry the chapters have been rather short recently. I think the next one will be longer...?_


	23. Cause if You Don't

**'Cause if You Don't**

 _Author's Note: More music. Why so much music? If the Avengers are this obsessed with music, they should do a musical._

* * *

"Now Loki," said Pepper, tossing me a scarf, "tonight you're going to sing along and behave yourself and not make any kind of commotion. Do you understand?"

"I don't want to sing," I said sulkily.

"Well, you'll do it anyway," said Pepper in a stern voice. "Come along."

The Vision had decided to sit this one out. So had Pietro and Wanda, and Clint and Tony, and even my brother, Thor. In fact, the only people who were going were Pepper, Natasha, Cap, and myself. If everyone else could opt out, why not I?

We were going to a performance of The Messiah, but if that weren't bad enough, it was a sing-along performance. Valhala save us! I had a nameless forboding.

"I haven't been here since Bucky," said Steve wistfully, looking around. We were in DC at the Kennedy Center where the performance was to be held.

"We're going to have to wait in line for hours," said Pepper. "Otherwise we won't get seats."

"NOW you tell me that!" said Nat. "I was going to spend the day with Sam at the Smithsonian."

"I thought you were with Bruce!" said Steve.

"I can't handle long distance relationships," said Nat defensively. "Can you hold my place in line? I don't want to leave Sam hanging."

"Yeah, go ahead," said Pepper resignedly. "Loki, don't get any ideas. You're not going anywhere."

So we sat on the red carpet of the Kennedy Center among thousands of bodies packed together, playing loud games and wearing ridiculous reindeer hats.

"You should have brought yours," snickered Steve, elbowing me in the ribs.

"I can't take all these peasants!" I groaned. "Must... have... air!"

"Relax," said Nat, showing up and flopping down beside me. "It's just people."

I groaned again.

"How was the date?" asked Pepper eagerly.

"It was nice," said Nat. "But I don't think he's quite my type. Hey, Steve," she added roguishly, "he has a sister."

"Um, no," said Steve hurriedly. "I don't need any more complicated relationships."

"The line is moving at last!" said Pepper. "Come on, Loki."

"Excuse me," I said, straightening my coat. "You need not pull my ear, thank you very much."

"Look, he's learning manners," said Nat.

* * *

"And he shall purifyyyyy!" sang the choir. And the audience. And my companions.

Pepper was a soprano, and unfortunately she had made me sit beside her. Now my ears were ringing from her high trills.

"Sing, Loki," she hissed when there was a short section where the sopranos didn't sing.

"I shall very much not," I responded, crossing my arms and pouting.

"Loki, you need to behave," said Pepper. "Do you want me to have to call Thor?"

That was the last straw. I opened my mouth to shout at her when I had a better idea.

What if I did call Thor?

I sniggered and pulled out the mobile phone I had pick-pocketed from Tony. Then I dialed Thor.

"WHAT IS IT, BROTHER?" said Thor. He thinks that unspeakable volume is necessary when a phone is involved.

"I need you to come to DC," I whispered. "There has been an attack!"

"I WILL BE THERE SHORTLY, BROTHER," said Thor, and I heard static and lightning on the other end of the line.

I rubbed my hands together and chuckled. "Any moment now," I said.

There was a thunderous roar from somewhere above us.

"BROTHER, I HAVE COME TO RESCUE YOU!" shouted Thor from a balcony.

With gasps and shrieks, the performers and the audience turned toward him just in time to see his hammer lift high and summon lightning through the roof.

"What is he doing here?" moaned Pepper, covering her face in embarrassment. "Oh, gods!"

"We're not related," I pointed out, just so everyone was sure of that fact.

"Loki, do you have something to do with this?" asked Nat suspiciously.

"There you are, Loki," said Thor, descending upon us with a mighty sonic boom. "What is your trouble?"

"Ehehehe, Loki'd!" I said.

And as I was flying across the auditorium I yelled, "It was only a jooooooke!" before crashing head-first into the wall.

"You lied to me!" he shouted, rushing at me again. "Of all the people I'm not getting presents for, you are the one I'm not getting presents for the most!"

* * *

 _Author's Note: It's getting close to Christmas, is everyone done with shopping? :)_

 _RussianAssassin- Of course not! Loki never forgets anything! P/N: Except putting his socks in the wash... A/N: SHUT UP MORTAL *ahem* Thank you for reviewing! :)  
LadyOfAnfalas- Lily's sister-in-law got a fondue pot as a gift at her wedding. I think it had been re-gifted like ten times before that. SPEAKING of which, has anyone done a white elephant this year? Lily went to a really funny one.  
Elessar's Daughter- I have not yet gotten tickets, but I can't wait. There is a rumor going around that Lily's cousin is going to drive us to the theatre to see it, but I don't know yet. I can't wait. Do you think it would be worth seeing in 3D? I've never seen something in 3D before. _

_Thanks guys!_


	24. I'm Warning You

**I'm Warning You**

 _Author's Note: I'm getting a little attached to these little traditions of mortals. Some of them are quite fun._

* * *

"We don't have a stocking for Loki," said Pepper. "What should we do?"

"I'll run to the dollar store," said Tony. He looked a little uncomfortable. He was probably doing last minute Christmas shopping there, too. "Be back in half an hour."

"You'd better be," said Pepper. "We're going to all hang up our stockings together and sing a Christmas carol."

I made a mental note to not stand next to Pepper this time.

"What is this _stocking_ ritual that they speak of?" I asked, tugging Sam's sleeve.

"On Christmas Eve you're supposed to hang up a sock on the mantlepiece, and then Santa comes and fills it with stuff as you sleep," said Sam.

"Seriously?" I said, rolling my eyes. "Has anyone ever _seen_ this Santa?"

"Not that I know of."

The Vision just gave me a very long speech about how Santa Claus can't actually exist."

"Well," Sam replied. "I wouldn't risk not getting anything by not hanging up my stocking, anyhow."

"If this is some sort of stupid prank..." I warned. Then I went to my room, pulled out the phone I had sto- borrowed, and googled _Christmas stocking santa._ Apparently everyone _does_ do this silly ritual! I was rather surprised. Then I found something especially exciting. I smirked. This would be rich.

When Tony came back with my stocking (which looked nothing like a sock, by the way), Pepper got out some cookies and gathered everyone in the living room. We hung our stockings and sang a carol, and then Pepper shooed us to bed.

I waited patiently for an hour, just to make sure everyone would be asleep, and then I snuck back into the family room.

There were all the stockings hung in a row, looking strangely eery in only the glow of the fire and the Christmas tree lights. They were still empty. Santa must be taking his time.

I tiptoed to the first and dropped a switch and charcoal into it. Then I did the same to all the other stockings- skipping my own, of course.

I chuckled gleefully. They would never guess who had done it!

As I turned to go back to my room, though, I had a thought. What if I could hide somewhere and see this Santa creature? I would be the first one of them all to see Santa in real life!

I was even more gleeful now, as I stationed myself behind a very large armchair and prepared to wait out the night.

The next thing I knew, there was a shout, and I awoke with a start.

" _Pepper?"_ I gasped, poking my head over the chair.

Pepper it was indeed, dressed in snowflake pajamas and holding an assortment of candies and knick-knacks. Was _Pepper_ Santa Claus?

"Loki!" she snarled, turning towards me, her face red. "How dare you put switches and charcoal in everyone's stocking?"

"H- how did you gues it was me?" I said, astonished.

"You are so horrible!" she scolded. "I should just not put anything in your stocking! In fact, I shouldn't get you anything for Christmas at all!"

* * *

 _Author's Note: unfortunately I cannot reply to every one right now, but know that I saw your reviews and greatly appreciate them! See you all soon!_


	25. You'll Get Loki'd For Christmas!

**You'll Get Loki'd for Christmas!**

 _Author's Note: The Avengers didn't appreciate the switches._

* * *

Christmas morning is a blur. I awake quite early, due to Tony's loud and childish shouts, and stumble out of bed, groping for my nightrobe and slippers. Then I head downstairs.

Everything is in uproar. Tony has already doven head-first into his stocking- literally. His head is stuck in it. Pepper is looking through hers more slowly, as are the rest of the Avengers.

"I guess everyone decided that lip balm is a good stocking stuffer," says Tasha, piling about twelve of them next to her and digging farther into her stocking.

"More collapsible arrows!" shouts Clint ecstatically, hugging them to himself. "Santa, I adore you!"

"Where's Waldo?" says Nat, glancing over at Clint's stocking. "Aren't you a little old for that?"

"It's Christmas, shut up," he responds. "Who are you to criticize Santa?"

"Aww," says Pepper, pulling out a framed picture of the Avengers. "That is so sweet!"

I'm not in the picture, but someone has photoshopped my head onto a balloon that Thor is holding. I scowl.

I peer nervously into my stocking. What if I haven't been good enough? What if Santa doesn't love me?!

But to my relief, there are some things in there, after all. I, too, have gotten quite a few lip balms in varying scents and flavours. There's also a Mad Libs book, a lot of candy, and a tangerine at the very bottom. I smile. See? I was a good boy this year.

I turn towards the immense pile of presents under the tree that has been growing all month long, but before I can start going through them, Pepper stands up.

"We'll eat breakfast before we open the presents," she says, "since there are so many. It's going to take all day!"

I frown, but I _am_ hungry.

Breakfast is pastries and sausage and bacon and devilled eggs and scrambled eggs and sunny-side up eggs and orange juice and donuts and coffee cake and ham. I eat too much.

Then we are ready to open the presents.

I begin to see why people call Christmas a "magical time". There are loads of presents, and it will take us a long time to finish. It's almost as exciting to watch other people open presents as it is to open my own- although I get my fair (well, maybe) share of them, too.

Nat gets lots of jewelry, and is delighted with the arrow cuff earing that Clint got for her. Sam Wilson gets about ten different "Avengers Assemble" shirts, and a few nice pairs of Ray Ban sunglasses. Everything Steve gets says "Freedom" or "America" on it. Tony gets lots of silly gadgets that are no use to anybody but him. Pietro and Wanda get a lot of the same thing, but don't seem to mind. The Vision gets sunglasses too, but cheap ones that are heart-shaped- Tony must have been really running out of ideas at the dollar store. Rhodie gets a nice box of cigars and an arc reactor shirt. Clint gets a book called Birds of North America and batteries for his hearing aid. Pepper gets mostly clothes. Thor gets poptarts, and an iPhone case from Jane with a picture of himself on it. And everyone gets a SHIELD mug from Coulson.

The Avengers actually seem pleased with my presents to them, to my great surprise. I had replaced Coulson's favourite "Coulson Lives" mug. To Stark I give some missile balloons to hang behind his car so that it will look like he is Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible. Clint gets a stuffed hawk that squawks loudly when it senses movement. Pepper got a pepper pot. To Steve, I give a Hitler dart board. Wanda gets bangles. Pietro gets a "#NotDead" T-shirt. It has Sherlock on it, but whatever. Sam keeps trying to take Clint's present until he opens a box from me with a Fitbit(T). I give the Vision a gift card for iTunes. For Rhodie there's a Tony Stark bobblehead, and for Thor there is a "World's Worst Brother" mug, which he actually really likes.

My presents are very nice, I have to admit. None of the Avengers lived up to their declaration that they wouldn't get me any presents. When the present opening is over, I find that I have too much to carry back to Asgard in one trip. It mostly consists of t-shirts with the different Avengers on them, an iphone that I can actually (truthfully) call my own, some shampoo (Pepper says my hair looks greasy), and a stuffed reindeer that says "Loki'd!" when squeezed.

I sniffle and pretend that I have a cold.

Christmas dinner is a wonderfully satisfying meal, and I eat too much again. And when the day is almost over, and I yawn contentedly and pull on my pajamas, I realize something.

I haven't pulled a single prank today.

That horrifying thought pulls me wide awake again. I cannot rest until I have pulled some sort of prank!

There has to be something I can do. The thought crosses my mind that perhaps I can eat all of Thor's poptarts, so I sneak down to the kitchen.

Unfortunately, the poptarts are nowhere to be seen. They must be hidden in Thor's room somewhere, and I would go and check, but there on the counter sits a delicious looking row of cupcakes. There are so many, and one would never be missed...

I glance around. The kitchen is deserted, so I pick one up and take a huge bite.

I gag. Apparently it's not a cupcake. It tastes more like... meatloaf. With mashed potatoes. I blink.

"LOKI'D!" yell the Avengers, jumping out of cabinets and pantries and ovens. They all laugh at my thoroughly confused face.

"You thought you were the only one who could pull a prank?" Pepper teases. And I can't help but join their laughter.

 **The END**

* * *

 _Publisher's Note: I'm really, really,_ really, _sorry I couldn't post this on Christmas as planned! My computer didn't get internet since Christmas day. Finally I have it back, though. Loki is furious with me, but better late than never, right?_

 _Author's Note: Thank you, attheturnofthetide for following and favouriting my story! You are awesome! ^-^ To the rest of you, especially the faithful reviewers who have been reviewing pretty much every day, you're just fantastic. I had a wonderful holiday, partly due to you. And there's not really anything that makes me happier than being able to make people laugh. :) Thank you so much for everything! I hope you all had wonderful Christmas-es and New Years! Any resolutions? Any unwanted presents? Any particularly awesome gifts? Any annoying relatives?_

 _Again, thank you for sticking with this to the end. Hope to see you again sometime! :)_

 _~Loki Laufeyson of Asgard  
This is a signed copy and cannot be duplicated without the written permission of Loki and his publisher.  
Loki does not own MARVEL or anything affiliated with it. Lily does not own MARVEL or anything affiliated with it. They both just steal stuff and play with it when MARVEL is not looking. For such harmless shenanigans, please do not sue them. _

_Merry Christmaaaa-_ TONY YOU DID NOT JUST-


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